Sunday, December 26, 2004; Page B03
It's been 12 months of nonstop momentous news: Scott Peterson, Paris Hilton, Martha Stewart, Donald Trump, Swift boats, White House twins, ketchup heirs, Janet Jackson's malfunctioning wardrobe, Jason Giambi's muscles and Ron Artest's muscle, the final days of Dan and Tom and the upcoming new TV drama "CSI: Falls Church." If you're wondering what you missed while paying attention to all those above-the-fold developments, buckle up for our annual tour of the year's most disturbing and underreported stories.
The Highest Levels
Of Professionalism
THE EXPANDING GIRTH OF THE LIPOSUCTION MARKET (II) To promote the potential use of fat tissue for harvesting stem cells to create new human tissue, Texas plastic surgeon Robert Ersek, who is overweight, let reporters watch as he liposuctioned 18 ounces of his own fat from the left side of his abdomen, under local anesthesia and dressed only in gray briefs. A videographer recorded the entire procedure. The Austin-based physician, who urges people to start storing their fat now in anticipation of later breakthroughs, left his right side as is -- to show patients a "before" and "after." -- Austin American-Statesman, Aug. 27
EPISODES IN INCOMPLETE THINKING (III) Police, arriving at an upscale office building in west St. Louis on a report of two men roaming the halls with guns, found most workers waiting outside -- except for those hiding under desks or in closets. It turned out that lawyers Gary K. Burger and Mark Cantor were engaged in make-believe urban warfare, armed with weapons that looked like real guns. Burger later apologized, calling himself an "idiot." Police confiscated what they said was a BB gun, but Burger said it fired only "plastic projectiles." Most workers had no idea it was a game, except a woman who had been hit in the finger and shoulder after walking into a previous battle. Burger, 37, was arrested on suspicion of "flourishing a dangerous weapon." Police were looking for the other "suspect." -- St. Louis Post-Dispatch, Aug. 3 and 4; Associated Press, Aug. 3
THE LOST ARRT OF PROOFREDING Though lawyer Brian Puricelli won his client's civil rights case against the city of Philadelphia, federal magistrate Jacob Hart cut his fees by nearly $32,000 because Puricelli seemed unable to heed Hart's warnings about excessive typos in his filings (e.g., consistently referring to the court as in the "Easter District" of Pennsylvania) and "nearly unintelligible" writing. Puricelli complained vigorously about the pay reduction, but a crucial, three-sentence paragraph in his plea to reinstate the fees had four more typos and referred to the judge as Jacon Hart. -- The Legal Intelligencer (Philadelphia), Feb. 24
Cultured Pearls
THINKING OUTSIDE THE BOX (I) Cape Town 's Old Town House museum in South Africa offered an exhibit featuring familiar 17th-century Dutch Master paintings, but turned the artwork to face the wall. Curator Andrew Lamprecht said the decision was a "conceptual art intervention" that recast the pieces as "something new and unexpected" and would force gallery-goers to reconsider their preconceptions. -- Reuters, Aug. 3
ONE WAY TO AVOID THE PASSIVE VOICE A French writer using the pseudonym Michel Thaler claimed to have published the first-ever novel without verbs, which he called "weeds." The author called "The Train From Nowhere" ("Le Train de Nulle Part") a "revolution," and said the book "is to literature what the great Dada and Surrealist movements were to art." Critics panned the 233-page work, noting its lack of action. -- Sunday Telegraph (London), May 9
WHY ART IS ALWAYS CONSIDERED A "DIVERSION" For an exhibit at London's Nelson's Column in Trafalgar Square, guest performers took turns reading from Japanese conceptual artist On Kawara's 20-book series "One Million Years," a list of selected dates between 998,031 B.C. and 1,001,980 A.D. Said a gallery director, "On Kawara's work speaks simply and directly about a subject relevant to us all, the passage and marking of time." -- Press Association (Britain), March 28
Not the Brightest Crayons
In the Box
CASE CLOSED In a Miami courtroom, while prosecutors were telling the judge that convicted defendant Raymond Jessi Snyder was a "flight risk" and should be locked up until his sentencing, Snyder slowly eased from his seat and bolted out the door (but was recaptured across the street). -- Miami Herald, Jan. 30
SO MANY ZEROS, SO LITTLE TIME Ian Fleming, 33, was charged in New York City with attempting to deposit bogus, computer-generated checks into his account at a Commerce Bank in Forest Hills, in the amounts of, respectively, $5,000,000,000 and $6,000,000,000. The week before, police alleged, Fleming had done a trial run by successfully depositing bogus checks of $350 and $1,300, and apparently felt ready to move up. -- New York Post, Sept. 19
DEPT. OF LEAST COMPETENT CRIMINALS The burglar of the Tutto Bene Cafe in Christiansted, Virgin Islands, was still in the store as employees arrived a bit earlier than usual. He took cover, squeezing underneath a large fan in the cooling unit that, unfortunately for him, is the first appliance the employees turn on every day. The man was arrested but taken first to the hospital with numerous cuts and abrasions. -- Associated Press, May 2
HE FORGOT TO DUCK Michael Marks, 25, offering an insanity defense in Los Angeles to attempted murder, said he was crazed at the time of the crime because someone on a balcony above him had spilled PCP on his head, affecting his thinking. -- Associated Press, Feb. 24
It's Just Criminal
EPISODES IN INCOMPLETE THINKING (II) Teresa Jones Smith, 44, was charged in Lexington, N.C., with trying to spring her incarcerated boyfriend. Deputies, alerted by smoke, said they found her with a mini blowtorch and other tools as she attempted to cut through the Plexiglas shield that separates prisoners from guests in the visitors' room. -- Greensboro News & Record, Jan. 21
THINKING OUTSIDE THE BOX (II) Thieves broke into the First Integrity Bank on Excelsior Road in Baxter, Minn. -- and then smashed through a common wall into the adjacent Lakes Area Eyecare store, making off with numerous pairs of sunglasses. -- Brainerd (Minn.) Dispatch, Aug. 7
THE CLASSIC MIDDLE NAME (ALL NEW FOR 2004!)
• Charged with murder: Edward Wayne Bryant (Ardmore, Okla., arrested in Houston); Michael Wayne Carter (Indianapolis); Matthew Wayne Ferman (Waverly, Ohio); Keith Wayne Graham (Merced, Calif.); Jerald Wayne Harvel II (Pawhuska, Okla.); Timothy Wayne Johnson (Raleigh, N.C.); Kenith Wayne Sherrill (Yakima, Wash.); Jessie Wayne Walker (Greensboro, N.C.); Chadwick Wayne Wallace (Alton, Ill.) • Escaped from jail while awaiting trial for murder, recaptured: Jerry Wayne Wright (Monroe County, Tenn.) • Already serving a life sentence for murder but charged again: Alexander Wayne Watson Jr. (a Maryland inmate serving time for a 1994 murder who, based on DNA evidence, was charged in July with murders from 1986, 1988 and 1993) • Convicted of murder, awaiting sentencing: Jonathan Wayne Larrabee (Wakpala, S.D.); • Sentenced for murder: Estell Wayne Buck (Monroe, Ohio); Billy Wayne Cope (York, S.C.); Charles Wayne Green (Pocahontas, Ark.); Kenneth Wayne Gregory (New Port Richey, Fla.); Mark Wayne Hauseur (Joshua Tree, Calif.); David Wayne Mears (Ludington, Mich.) • Sentenced to death for killing another inmate while serving a life sentence for murder: Shannon Wayne Agofsky (Beaumont, Tex.) • Death sentence upheld by a jury after deciding the defendant was not mentally retarded: Robert Wayne Lambert (Sapulpa, Okla.) • And acquitted of murder: David Wayne Marsh (Hagerstown, Md.) -- Bryant: Daily Oklahoman, Aug. 12; Carter: Indianapolis Star, Oct. 4; Ferman: Chillicothe Gazette, Dec. 7, and Pike County News-Watchman, Oct. 6; Graham: Merced Sun-Star, Aug. 26, Nov. 27; Harvel: Bartlesville (Okla.) Examiner-Enterprise, Feb. 26; Johnson: Associated Press, Sept. 5; Sherrill: Yakima Herald-Republic, July 10; Walker: Greensboro News & Record, Dec. 6; Wallace: St. Louis Post-Dispatch, Aug. 30; Wright: WLTV (Knoxville, Tenn.), March 24, Marysville (Tenn.) Daily Times, Nov. 4; Watson: Baltimore Sun, July 13; Larrabee: Associated Press, Sept. 10; Buck: Cincinnati Enquirer, Nov. 24; Cope: The Herald (Rock Hill, S.C.), Sept. 23; Green: Associated Press, May 27; Gregory: St. Petersburg Times, Oct. 14; Hauseur: Hi-Desert Star (Yucca Valley, Calif.), May 29; Mears: Associated Press, Nov. 8; Agofsky: Fort Worth Star-Telegram, July 17; Lambert: Associated Press, May 21; Marsh: Baltimore Sun, Sept. 11
Body and Soul
THE EXPANDING GIRTH OF THE LIPOSUCTION MARKET (I) "Pumpkin," a 12.1-pound Chihuahua, returned to the Boca Greens Animal Hospital in Boca Raton for a checkup after liposuction surgery. Her new weight was reported at 11.4 pounds. The staff stressed, however, that surgery is never a substitute for regular exercise and a modest number of treats. -- Palm Beach Post, June 22
GREAT MOMENTS IN RELIGION 2004 (I) The Columbus (Ohio) City Council approved a building permit for the Faith Christian Center of Plains Township to construct a new commercial complex centered on an indoor skateboard park, with restaurant, arcade and pro shop. It will be named Godz Xtreme Power Park. -- Columbus Dispatch, May 11
LEADING ECONOMIC INDICATOR Overworked Catholic clergy in the United States, Canada and Europe are outsourcing prayer requests from parishioners to Catholic clergy in India. Priests in India said the requests are typically accompanied by $5 or $10, which is more than they are offered for domestic prayers. -- New York Times, June 13
GREAT MOMENTS IN RELIGION 2004 (II) Archaeologists excitedly announced that they had discovered, in ruins on the Wittenberg, Germany, property of 16th-century philosopher Martin Luther, the actual stone toilet on which he often sat while composing the manifesto that launched the Reformation. (Luther suffered from severe, chronic constipation, to which he frequently alluded.) -- Daily Telegraph (London), Oct. 22
EPISODES IN INCOMPLETE THINKING (I) A 23-year-old man in Hartland, Maine, was hospitalized after an attempted suicide by crucifixion. He had built a wooden cross, placed it on the floor and nailed one hand to it. According to the arresting officer, "When he realized that he was unable to nail his other hand to the board, he called 911." -- Bangor Daily News, March 15
Guv'mint at Work
WHAT LEADERSHIP CRISIS? Rep. Major Owens, Democrat from Brooklyn, proudly circulated the script for his new play, "The Viagra Monologues," intended as a male rejoinder to Eve Ensler's prominent work, "The Vagina Monologues." Owens's work includes such memorable lines as "Monogamy is for chumps" and "Boyhood self-esteem dies/Gawking at the other guy's size." -- New York Post, March 21, 22
DEMOCRACY IN ACTION In a recall election, Ken Blodgett, president of the Ochoco West Sanitary District Board (Crook County, Ore.), was voted out, 39-29. One of the main issues: Blodgett's decision to stop payment on a $14.03 invoice for office supplies, which he said lacked proper authorization. And the Saunders County (Neb.) Board of Supervisors voted twice not to reimburse Register of Deeds Don Clark for the cost of a sandwich he ate while out of town on business. After Clark filed a lawsuit seeking reimbursement for the $4.80 meal (plus attorney fees), the board had to hire an outside lawyer to deal with the matter. -- Bend (Ore.) Bulletin, March 1; Omaha World-Herald, March 10; Wahoo (Neb.) Newspaper, March 11
THE LAWS OF IRONY ARE STRICTLY ENFORCED Elections officials notified Katherine Harris, who was the state's top election official during Florida's 2000 presidential voting mess and is now a Republican member of Congress, that the absentee ballot she cast in a March 2004 local election in Longboat Key did not get counted because she forgot to sign it. -- Sarasota Herald-Tribune, May 8
Chuck Shepherd writes the weekly syndicated column, "News of the Weird," which appears locally in Washington City Paper. His e-mail address is weirdnews@earthlink.net.