By Linda Perlstein

Sunday, February 13, 2005; Page W20

Ask a group of seventh-graders how to conduct relationships, and much of their advice could apply just as well to adults: "Don't dance with another girl if your girlfriend isn't at the dance." "Don't hold hands with your best friend's boyfriend." "Tell your parents as little as possible." But middle school is generally when a person first tries the romance thing, and, as with most experiences, novice attempts little resemble the veteran versions. A grown man is unlikely to say to a grown woman, "You're my backup if Jessica says no." It's socially acceptable for adults to go without a crush for a week, a month, a year. And when they finally do go out with someone, they actually, well, go out.

The grown world is dying to know what it means for a middle schooler to have a girlfriend or boyfriend in today's News-at-11 era of supposed oral sex parties and sluttier-than-thou dating shows. Kids from Howard, Fairfax and Montgomery counties agreed to explain, and one of them, sixth-grader Kimiya Memarzaden, gives an answer that is charmingly coy.

"Going out," Kimiya explains, "is being more than friends and less than actually going somewhere." Kimiya herself has never gone out with anyone at Hammond Middle School in Laurel; she is more animated talking about ponies than about boys. Still, like anyone in middle school, she can thoroughly explain relationship etiquette, name all the couples in her grade (seven at press time) and capture in one brief sentence all that seems strange about middle school romance: "They ask you out, then they don't talk to you. There's no point."

Oh, but there is a point. Of course there's a point. If we didn't ever have these fumbling attempts, how would we learn?

Certainly a small minority of middle schoolers are having sex, and another small group pays no attention to the whole crush thing. Not every kid is experiencing romance in the same way. But for the bulk of children from sixth through eighth grade, the customs are similar, and surprisingly enduring. There are the folded-up notes, the embarrassed exchanges, the hearts scrawled on sneakers, the loves-of-one's-life that according to kids and the best guesses of scholars last an average of two to four weeks (one-sixth the duration of the typical high school liaison).

Relationships sometimes only involve two clumsy conversations: the asking out and the breaking up.

These maladroit transactions are the training wheels of love, explains Bradford Brown, a human development professor at the University of Wisconsin, and one of the few people on earth over the age of 13 who pays serious attention to the childhood crush. If you think of it that way, what could be more important?

* Use your friends to find out if someone likes you. This is the No. 1 rule of middle school romance, as explained by those in the throes of it.

"You can't really tell if a guy likes you, so you don't want to get your feelings hurt" by asking him out, or even letting him know you want to be asked out, explains sixth-grader Bridgette Snyder, who hasn't acted on any of her crushes at Hammond Middle, but has found time, in between soccer games and horse-riding, to become thoroughly versed in the rules. This saves face for the askees, too, many of whom say "yes" when directly asked by a boy simply because it's too uncomfortable to say no.

"So spur-of-the-moment things are bad," explains eighth- grader Rachel Collins, a lacrosse player with wrists covered with cause bracelets and three relationships behind her at Lime Kiln Middle School in Fulton, not far from Laurel. She doesn't count her first two, "because it was, like, in sixth grade."

The kids themselves are almost always the only ones keeping track of their relationships. Social scientists have long dismissed teen romance as frivolous, irrelevant and too fickle and logistically difficult to track, Brown explains in The Development of Romantic Relationships in Adolescence. The 1999 book is one of the few pieces of child development scholarship dwelling more on courtship than on sex. From the title of one chapter -- "You're Going Out With Who?" -- it's evident that Brown understands that romance is just as important in the preteen mind as it is (obviously to anyone who's ever turned on the WB) in preteen culture.

At this age, Brown says, "romance is a very public institution played out in front of a peanut gallery of peers." While this may seem unusual to a 40-year-old, it makes all the sense in the world to a kid. Smoothing the way for someone to be asked out "is a wonderfully protective device," he explains, "because if the emissary gets laughed out of the ballpark, the person can deny ever having sent the person. It's a great way to protect one's self-esteem at a time when self-esteem is pretty fragile anyway. If you find the right friend who knows what to say, things are likely to go a lot more smoothly."

At Sidwell Friends School in the District, that right friend is often Bryan Stabbe, an eighth-grader who went out with three girls in seventh grade but seems to spend more time as the liaison, because of his ease around both boys and girls. According to Bryan, it's not always clear whom to send as an emissary to determine who likes whom. "The girls, they talk a lot more about who's going out, so it's easier for them to slip it into a conversation," he says, whereas "when a guy does it, it's a little more obvious. But guys can keep secrets better than girls, and they can think a little bit faster when asked, 'Were you sent by someone?'"

* The person himself, and he alone, should do the actual asking out. This is an important corollary to the first rule and, yes, it's still usually the boy who does the asking out -- in person, preferably. Otherwise, "it's just kind of like you're hiding behind something," says Josh Furnary, an eighth-grader at Thoreau Middle School in Vienna who has some experience in the matter (one girlfriend in sixth grade, three in seventh and two in eighth). "You want to be face to face with someone, because it's more sincere."

But there's an even more crucial reason to avoid letting someone else do the asking. "They could be playing a joke on you," says Lime Kiln seventh-grader Shannon Bishoff. It's painfully common for a group of boys to pay someone to ask a girl out; $20 is the going rate.

In another prank making the rounds right now, Girl 1 writes "ZAP" and a time of day on the back of Girl 2's hand, and a boy's name on the inside of her palm. (Or Boy 1 and Boy 2 -- this is an equal-opportunity "game.") If Girl 1 is caught peeking at the name before the designated time, she has to ask the boy out.

So when you hear somebody wants to go out with you, you don't automatically believe it. Even if the person himself or herself asked you out, you still might not believe it. "You would usually say 'Really?' to be sure," says Tessa Scheckelhoff, a Hammond sixth-grader who hasn't liked anyone enough to bother going out, and doubts she will before eighth grade.

Rejection need not be accompanied by a reason. If it is, kids today, having watched so much television, are well-versed in all the adult cliches -- "I don't want to go out with anyone right now," "I don't know you well enough," "I don't want to ruin the friendship." And they have one of their own: "My parents said I'm not allowed to."

* Don't go out with someone your friends don't like.

This is one of the firmest rules, though Tessa offers a way around it: "Don't tell your friends if they'd call him a dork." In high school, kids begin to go out with whom-ever they find attractive. But in middle school, relationships are a form of currency among peers, a way to jostle for position.

"In this particular phase," Brown says, "friends' opinions matter more than your own." You can, however, go out with your ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend's best friend, depending on how long that couple went out. "If it was for a day, it wouldn't really matter. If it was for a week, it wouldn't really matter," Bridgette says. But if they were going out a month, that was serious. Steer clear.

This being 2005, one should note that the asking out need not be done face to face, and, of course, the distance inherent in instant messaging, as with telephoning before it, can numb the pain for both parties -- a little bit at least, in the case of rejection. "It's not as bad," Bridgette says. "You can just say no and then sign off." The same goes for breaking up, says Josh: "It's a lot easier to just type it out and hit 'send' than actually go talk to the person."

While boys do most of the asking out, girls do most of the breaking up, Josh -- fresh off a several-month relationship -- can tell you from experience. What he can't tell you is why. If you are reading this, young lady: Why?

Which leaves us to ponder the fate of the turned-down boy, coping in a world where girls have the vocabulary for all this, but he does not, and cannot gather with his friends at his locker the next day, as a girl might, and cry on their shoulders and seek advice on whom to ask out next. On that note, a message to parents: When your son comes home and says the breakup was mutual, he was dumped. Sympathize accordingly.

* Hug, but don't kiss, in the halls at school. In a year or two, it will all change: High schools are filled with public displays of affection. Before the morning bell, a young woman is pressed against her locker receiving her man's attentions; they affirm their love with a French kiss between every class. But the middle school halls are no place to make out. There's too little comfort with what you're doing and, even more important, too much potential for teasing -- by classmates, by teachers.

"Because romance at this stage is such a public affair, you really are essentially creating headline news," Brown says. Sneaking a kiss in a little-traveled spot by the buses after school is dismissed is okay, if you're up for it, which some kids are by eighth grade. And, of course, during Spin the Bottle at boy-girl parties: Making out there is fine, because, hey, you have to. That's where the bottle landed. Nobody can question your judgment, call you a slut. You were just following the rules.

According to many social scientists, fifth grade, just before middle school starts, is when the two sexes typically spend the least amount of time socializing. So the rush of middle school romance comes accompanied with a huge awkwardness. Conversing with a boy, much less going out with him, is so unfamiliar.

Rachel recommends watching TV while on the phone with your boyfriend so that you have something to talk about, or an excuse if you don't have something to talk about. ("Sorry -- what was that? 'Degrassi' is on.")

* Don't bother with one-on-one dates.

Without a group of friends around, you might run out of things to say. On an actual date, Kimiya surmises, "it's kinda like you don't know what to do. And then the boys tell everyone something happened" -- even when it didn't -- "and rumors spread."

Josh's issue with dates is more logistical: When he went with a girl to see "The Grudge" last year, he wasn't sure if he was supposed to just pay for the tickets, or offer to pay. In the end, he offered, "but she was okay with buying her own," he says.

So aside from instant messaging and occasionally talking on the phone, what should couples actually do? Sway together to the slow songs at the school dance. Give chocolate (to your boyfriend) or a little stuffed animal (to your girlfriend) on Valentine's Day. (Nothing more than $30, kids recommend.) Sit together at lunch, unless you're in sixth grade, when boys and girls still tend to sit separately.

"You want to have a couple of classes together and a couple not together," Tessa says, because if you don't see each other enough you'll break up, and if you have too many chances during the day to annoy each other, you'll break up, too.

* Tell your parents as little as possible, for as long as possible. Some middle schoolers actually go to their parents for love advice, or, more often, rejection advice. But most adhere to this rule. "Parents nose around, get into people's business, talk to other parents," Bryan says, the last of those being the most horrid.

And it's simply too hard for parents to remember how overwhelming this all feels, the complicated emotions involved, so they belittle, they tease, they say the worst thing in the world: "Oh, don't worry, it's just a middle school crush."

* Keep careful track of your relationship's duration. It's common for boys or girls to announce on their instant-message profiles how long they've been going out -- "2 weeks, 2 days & 6 hours!!!" Even though middle school relationships are notoriously brief, and one must always actively like someone, a kid should be careful how many people he or she goes out with, lest character be questioned. On the specifics there is disagreement, as Lime Kiln eighth-graders Celene Monroe and Megan Bishoff will tell you.

Both have not yet felt compelled to enter the boyfriend fray themselves. (As Celene puts it, "I've been with the same people since elementary school. I know everything about everyone. Probably in high school.") But they do know what's acceptable and what's not.

Celene says of the relationship limit, "No more than two a month." Megan is more generous: "No more than one person a week."

Linda Perlstein is a former Post staff writer and the author of Not Much Just Chillin': The Hidden Lives of Middle Schoolers. She will be fielding questions and comments about this article Monday at 1 p.m. at washingtonpost.com/liveonline.