Like you, I get those African-scam e-mails.
Unlike you, I answer them.
Here is an excerpt from an exchange I had last month.
(Richard Thonpson/Illustration)
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Dear Sir: My Name Is Ahmed Sinko the son of the owner of minining company in Sierra-leonne who died few years ago when the revolutionary united front rebels attacked our residence in Makeni Sierra-leone. I used the opportunity to leave the country with a very important document of US $25 million.
My Main Problem Now Is That At My Age Of 25 I Am Confused On How to Handle This Huge Amount Of Money As I Don't Have Anyone To Confide In Senegal Here. I will arrange immediately for the transfer of the fund to your position, pending my arrival to meet with you for investing of the money with you in any pofitable business you intruduce. After the fund gets into your country through your assistance, 15% Of The Total Amount Will Be for You.
Thank you, Ahmed. It sounds like a great deal of money. But it also sounds vaguely illegal. I cannot do anything illegal because I fear imprisonment because I am afraid of, and deathly allergic to, spiders. Thank you for writing, however. How did you get my name?--Gene Weingarten
Dear Weingarten: In regards to your question of legality I wish to let you know that all the vital legal documents that entiled me as the next of kin to the funds are very carefully possesed and guided by me and my mother. We are having this transaction done on trust, and as such will require you not to betray the trust that we are about to bestow on you as this is the only hope of our life. Ahmed Sinko.
Dear Ahmed: It all sounds swell. I was confused about one matter, but I think I have it all figured out. I was wondering how you got my name, because I would never do business with anyone I did not know or who had not been recommended by a friend. But then I remembered something--my friend Margaret Mary Skankaroskie, who left for Senegal many years ago to work with groups attempting to prevent the defenestration of the rain forests.
I had lost track of her, but recently heard she had aligned herself with a medical volunteer organization to combat bitro-chanteric lipodystrophy--a tragic ailment where excess fat collects in the thighs and lower trunk of otherwise ordinary people, making them waddle and look very grotesque indeed. I am guessing Margaret Mary must have given you my name. Is that right? That would reassure me.--Gene Weingarten
Dear Weingarten, The Senegalese friend of mine who assisted me in retreiving your contact use to have a white lady girl friend, and she may be your friend Magaret Mary. Please, when reply this message do not forget to include your fax number. Ahmed Sinko.
Dear Ahmed: I was certain Ms. Skankaroskie was involved somewhere in this tangled tale. Please send word to her through her boyfriend that I am well. She always had dreadful taste in men--I hope this fellow is nicer than the last one, who raised housecats and sold their meat to Lebanese sausage makers!
Okay, let's proceed. Is it okay if I give you my uncle Tonoose's fax number? I don't have a fax but he does, because he is in the refrigerator repair business. One more question, if I may. I believe very strongly in the power of the zodiac--do you happen to be a Sagittarian? I will continue dealing with you even if you are not, but it would be very auspicious and wonderful if you were!
Dear Weingarten: I was not able to reach to the boy friend of Ms Skankaroskie because i was informed that he travel on an official duty to France. If you feel that your uncle is someone that is confidential to you, then you can bring forward his fax number. I think that GOD has brought me and you togather in this transaction, because i myself is also a SAGITTARIAN which i beleive you may be as well, let me know please. Ahmed Sinko.
Dear Ahmed: Sadly, you fell right into my little trap. I was about to participate, however I suspected you might have been a Sagittarian, and told a little lie in order to elicit the truth. The stars are clear: If I ever, ever, align myself with a Sagittarian in a financial dealing, I am doomed to be defrauded. Duped. Bamboozled. Scammed. It is the only sign of the zodiac that holds financial peril for me. I will never, ever, deal with a Sagittarian. Weingarten.
This is the second time this column has scammed the Afriscammers, who never seem to learn. Look for a third installment next year--because Afriscammers, like you, have our e-mail address: weingarten@washpost.com.
