VINNIE JONES USED to leave bloody autographs on the shins of his fellow soccer players. Then the Englishman left the game to join the movie leagues with a string of ice-cool bruiser roles in such movies as "Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels" and "Swordfish."
Now he's back as a pretend soccer player in "Mean Machine," a British remake of 1974's "The Longest Yard." As Danny Meehan, he's a former footballer with a bad rep for dirty play.
Vinnie Jones stars in "Mean Machine."
(Paramount Classics)
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He has also been ejected from the sport for accepting a bribe to rig an international game (against England's archenemy, Germany). After he gets arrested for a little assault and battery, Danny finds himself at H.M. Longmarsh, a prison where no one is treated right – especially soccer traitors.
The warden (David Hemmings), who has a rather expensive gambling problem, orders Danny to coach the prisoners' soccer team for an upcoming game against the guards. But Danny has to earn a little respect from the inmates first. He does so by throwing himself into the melee when a pair of guards beat up an inmate named Massive (Vas Blackwood). And now, with his prison credibility at a peak, it's time to train the lads. Meehan's soccer speciality: dirty tricks. The boys like that.
Even though (in the eyes of this reviewer) any movie about English football can only be a good thing, "Mean Machine" is dramatically lackluster. "The Longest Yard" (called "Mean Machine" in Great Britain), which was about American football, had a tough, satirical edge.
Jones heads a cast of mean-on-the-outside tough guys (including a charming Jason Statham) who are a few training sequences away from turning into teddy bears. We've seen this cheesy character arc in a run of British films lately. The most recent was "Greenfingers," in which a group of criminals rehabilitate themselves by becoming gardeners. And Meehan's second game-fixing dilemma, spawned by the warden (or governor, if you're speaking English-English), is your basic Redemption 101.
Jones does as well as can be expected (of anyone) in such a clunky, nice-guy-emerges-from-bad-past role. Perhaps it's best to think of "Mean Machine" (directed by Barry Skolnick) as a set of extended practice drills for playing a leading man. And, every once in a while, he gets to take a whack at the ball, which isn't bad for soccer fans. But anyone who cares for Jones – and that special Vin-tessence – is probably going to have the same thought: Have a go at this acting lark, Vin. But don't get too smooth. Know what I mean?
MEAN MACHINE (R, 99 minutes) – Contains obscenity and some violence. At the Ciniplex Odeon Inner Circle.
