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Posted at 04:23 PM ET, 02/05/2012

Super Bowl XLVI: Gettin’ kinda commercial

I’m all fired up for Super Bowl Forty-something. Instantaneous translation of Roman numerals into American numerals ain’t a skill I ever mastered. It’s all Vs and Xx and Ls and Is and if they start throwing in a C or and M there’s no hope. I feel my lips moving as I try to figure out which Super Bowl this is. Why don’t we go all the way and make elevator buttons Romanic? Life is too easy as it is. Let’s build character by confusing everyone constantly.

I’ve inserted the fuel rods in the Big Green Egg and will soon attempt to cook a very large portion of a pig. The Egg, as I’ve said many times, is my new grill, which is great so long as it doesn’t achieve nuclear fission and melt down through the Earth’s crust. People will say: “Where are the hot dogs?” And I’ll answer: “China.”

And of course I made chili, a very special batch, using exotic dried chili peppers that I soaked and blended to give the chili a foreboding crimson hue. It’s important to have the right peppers. These are, I believe, from a species of pepper plant that is listed as Endangered, and indeed it’s possible that these are the very last ones. But will my guests appreciate that? It’s so hard to impress people these days, what with how everyone’s a foodie, and you have to use meat from animals that you’ve personally raised, bottle-fed, educated, combed, cuddled and slaughtered. Whatever happened to chili in the can? Hormel, anyone?

I’m predicting that this year there will be a lot of commercials about beer. Going out on a limb, I know. Also previews for movies I won’t see and ads for cars I won’t buy. In the old days commercials weren’t such a big deal — you had that Maytag repair guy, you had Madge soaking her fingers in Palmolive, and you had various products to remove waxy yellow buildup on your kitchen floor. Then they started with this “humor” thing, like the with Alka Seltzer ads — “I can’t believe I ate the whole thing” — and pfftt! it’s now all about the commercials and no one pays attention to the interior line play. How many people watching the game today will even know what a cover 2 is or a 3-4 defense or a pulling guard? No, it’s all about Madonna and pass-the-chips and hahaha what a funny commercial. This is why we never win wars anymore outright. But don’t get me started.

I miss Larry Csonka.

About the game itself: I’m liking the Patriots, because of the quarterback. What’s his name. The pretty one. The Golden Boy. And they’re only giving 3 points? I’m missing something here. Is it because New England doesn’t play defense? And the Giants beat them last time? I dunno, still seems like the Patriots can score enough to cover. Give the points and take the Pats.

Final score: New England 34, New York 27.

[Update: Now I’m starting to worry that this blog item dates me.]

By  |  04:23 PM ET, 02/05/2012

 
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