NSA can read your thoughts even before you think them

You’ve heard the new twist on Andy Warhol’s great truism: In the future, everyone will have privacy for 15 minutes.

The NSA story seems to be getting bigger and bigger. It’s hard to keep track of all the ways that the NSA has been snooping on everyone. Increasingly it appears that the NSA knows everything — that it has access to all phone calls, all emails, all texts, all tweets, all address books, all visited websites, all downloaded photos, all purchases made, all comments posted, all thoughts, all feelings, all momentary and inexplicable bouts of ennui, all urges. There are no secrets anymore. At this second, as I type on an airplane (again!!), I know that the NSA is monitoring me, and that if I write the wrong thing, or even think the wrong thought, the NSA people will be waiting for me in Orlando, by baggage claim, and they’ll throw me in the back of a van. Off to the re-education camp. These things happen, don’t kid yourself.

Bart’s latest story has the requisite scary NSA spying acronym MUSCULAR. We learn from the graphic that one of the potential places that the NSA can steal data is at the transfer station where the undersea cable meets land. Apparently Google has its own undersea cables. There’s also a  photo of a vast Google server farm in Finland. The image has a major Skynet-Going-Live vibe to it.

Here’s a list of some places in the U.S. where  Google has major data centers: Council Bluffs, Iowa; Douglas County, Ga.; Lenoir, N.C.; Mayes County, Okla.; The Dalles, Ore.; Berkeley County, S.C.  What do these places have in common? One obvious thing: No one’s ever heard of them. No one’s ever been there. They’re basically uninhabited places in obscure parts of the country that you see only from airplanes (looking out window now but all I see are clouds; somewhere down there is North Carolina, or maybe Nebraska, but I can’t see a damn thing).Am I the only one who feels a tingling on the back of the neck at the thought of Google parking its servers in these wilderness regions of the U.S.? WHAT IS GOOGLE TRYING TO HIDE???

Sometimes, in writing this stuff, I get confused about which side I’m on. I can’t hear myself think. Maybe that’s because the NSA is sending in jamming signals????

You know how sometimes you forget someone’s name, or can’t quite access a piece of information that you know is floating right there in your brain somewhere? You assume that’s natural forgetfulness, right? Nope. The memory is momentarily being re-routed by the NSA. It had to be checked out.

My very strong advice: Think only pure thoughts. Think about the greatness of America, the resourcefulness and pluck of our hard-working citizenry, and the savvy and courage of our nation’s leaders, especially those in the national security endeavors.

Think about wholesome stuff like Mom and apple pie. Mostly Mom. Apple pie can sometimes be a little bit edgy, a little too out-there. These cooks today, always digging up some heirloom apple that’s too tart. Yeah: Stick to Mom.

Joel Achenbach writes on science and politics for the Post's national desk and on the "Achenblog."
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Joel Achenbach · October 29, 2013