To: Ricky Gervais
From: Celebritology, on behalf of awards show junkies everywhere
Re: Your Golden Globes hosting gig
CC: The Hollywood Foreign Press Association; NBC
BCC: Every major celebrity in Hollywood
Mr. Gervais, we think you’re a very funny man. Your portrayal of wildly inept manager David Brent in the British version of “The Office” introduced us to the many joys of uncomfortable squirming. We also appreciated your work in the little-seen rom-com “Ghost Town,” even if the premise was slightly reminiscent of that other “Ghost” movie, the one where Demi Moore and Patrick Swayze did sexy things near a pottery wheel.
But this third time hosting the Golden Globe Awards — which, for the purposes of proper memo-writing, we must note takes place Sunday, Jan. 15 and will be broadcast live on NBC — has us a little ... concerned. After your turn at last year’s Globes, where you were sometimes darkly comic (calling Bruce Willis Ashton Kutcher’s dad — hilarious!) and other times unnecessarily mean (Mentioning Robert Downey Jr.’s previous stints in prison and rehab? Not cool. He’s Iron Man now, dude), we are worried that this year’s repeat performance will go overboard in an attempt to outsnark the 2011 one. If indeed you come out with “freaking guns blazing,” as Matt Lauer implied you might in a recent interview, what can you do to “top” what you did last year? Demand that George Clooney’s girlfriend, former professional wrestler Stacy Kiebler, scuffle with you in a ring filled with Jello? Force the Muppets to reenact the Bosnian War as an homage to Angelina Jolie’s “In the Land of Blood and Honey”?
The point is, this could get ugly, or at least turn into an obvious attempt to court “controversy.” So we thought we’d offer just a few pieces of advice. Clearly, you do not have to accept them. After all, you are funnier and wealthier than we are. But we want you to succeed. So here goes.
1. When poking fun at the very famous people in the room, focus on the silly instead of personal struggles. Mock Leonardo DiCaprio for once playing the role of “Young Boy” on the TV series “The New Lassie,” or do an extended riff on the deification of Ryan Gosling. (Seriously, please do that last one.) But don’t refer to anyone’s previous health scares or trips through the criminal justice system. Okay, criminal justice jokes are permitted, but only if they involve Lindsay Lohan.
2. Do not bust on Melissa McCarthy for any reason. Every female viewer in America will turn on you faster than you can attempt to cheekily recover by pretending you’re drunk.
3. Note what a farce this awards show is whenever possible. Is it flagrantly nonsensical that the Hollywood Foreign Press nominated “My Week With Marilyn” in the musical/comedy category? Clearly. And it is your duty to remind us of such idiocrasy at every possible moment during the telecast, so we can all maintain much-needed perspective.
4. That said, don’t make fun of the president of the Foreign Press Association for being old. Last year you joked about helping him off the toilet and popping his teeth in. Which was just ... gross.
5. Hilariously impersonate Meryl Streep’s portrayal of Margaret Thatcher in “The Iron Lady.” As a Brit, it is your obligation and your responsibility.
6. Do not host the Golden Globes again for another five years. Last year you swore you would not host again. And here we are. In the aforementioned recent interview with Lauer, you once again stated that the 2012 Globes would be your last hosting turn for a while. Stick to that. A comedian who says the words no one else dares to speak has to be true to his own. Otherwise, you will never again be able to credibly rip on Johnny Depp at a largely meaningless awards ceremony. And that would be a shame, now, wouldn’t it?