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Posted at 08:02 AM ET, 10/18/2012

‘American Horror Story: Asylum’: 10 questions about the premiere

A weekly investigation of “American Horror Story: Asylum,” as well as, when applicable, an investigation of the “American Horror Story: Asylum” bakery. Spoilers lie ahead.


Lana, taking quality journalistic notes like “Hiding something??” and “Lies.” ( Michael Yarish - FX)

What I love about “American Horror Story: Asylum” is the fact that, like the Murder House version of “American Horror Story” that preceded it, it holds back nothing. This is a show that looks restraint in the face and says, “I see you for exactly who you are,” and then gives us a dream sequence in which Jessica Lange strips down to a red negligee and straddles Joseph Fiennes even though she’s a nun and he’s a Monsignor.

Yes, repressed sexual impulses, science vs. spirituality, racism, discrimination against homosexuals, extra-terrestrials and the frontman for Maroon 5 getting his arm ripped off by some ... thing: it was all present and accounted for in “American Horror Story: Asylum.”

But what does it all mean? I don’t necessarily know, but, in keeping with Celebritology tradition, let’s break it all down via 10 questions about the “AHS: Asylum” premiere, an episode called “Welcome to Briarcliff.”

Were Teresa and Leo — the randy newlyweds who visited the abandoned Briarcliff Manor, portrayed by Jenna Dewan Tatum and Adam Levine — just the worst?

Well, they were hot in addition to being the worst, what with their insistence on noting their mutual sexiness and saying stupid, horror movie things like “I’ll be right back.” However, aside from finally showing us what it might look like if Adam Levine lost his arm in a tragic laundry chute accident, they also served an important purpose: they shared important backstory details about how Briarcliff Manor used to be a tuberculosis ward and then the Catholic Church bought it in 1962 and turned it into an asylum from which no one escaped. And they encountered some thing that suggests that even in 2012, Briarcliff remains an actively dangerous place.

On a related note, I particularly enjoyed this tweet about the husband and wife whose honeymoon really should inspire a new “Best Haunted Places to Have Honeymoon Sex” feature on Oyster.com.

Wasn’t it interesting that Jessica Lange’s Sister Jude used the word hellhole to describe what Briarcliff used to be?

It was, especially since she enunciated it in such a pronounced fashion. Then again, she does that a lot. (See: patriarchal mallllle. Somewhere, over the Boston Harbor, that l-sound is still reverberating.)

Still, given that there’s an underground tunnel below Briarcliff known as the Death Chute, I would not be surprised to learn that some bodies are buried beneath the asylum, or that there’s even a direct portal to Hades down there.

At this point, I’d just like to pause for a moment and say: “Jessica Lange: holla.”

Now, another question: what’s the significance of Lange’s reference to the movie “Song of Bernadette”?

Glad you asked. “The Song of Bernadette” — a 1943 film starring Sister Jude’s apparent idol, Jennifer Jones — is about a young woman who eventually becomes a nun after having miraculous visions of the Virgin Mary. Unfortunately, though, she dies too soon. Because she has ... tuberculosis. So you can can kinda see how Sister Jude would relate to her., what with her spirituality and her running a place that used to be a TB ward.

Okay. So what was up with that French song that was playing in the delightfully vibrant Briarcliff common room?

That’s the popular 1963 tune “Dominique,” recorded by Jeanine Deckers, a woman otherwise known as the Singing Nun.

A singing nun? Could that be meaningful? Hmmm...

At this point, we should probably talk about Kit Walker, otherwise known as Former Tate, otherwise known as Evan Peters. What’s his deal?

Seemingly every “American Horror Story” fan on Twitter was talking about Evan Peters last night. I can’t share much of what was being said due to matters of propriety, but a lot of it was in this vein, except often saucier.

But let’s talk about the aliens. Kit claims he did not kill his wife Alma, or any of the other women that Bloody Face, the serial killer he’s accused of being, allegedly murdered. He believes alien monsters took Alma, probed him and left him behind to take the blame. Is this even remotely believable?

Of course it is, because this is "American Horror Story.” Also there was an insect probe stuck in his neck clearly left there by UFO people, and he would not have killed his wife because he loved her enough to have sex with her the second he got home from work.

In short: yes, the aliens are real. I think. As the Monsignor noted, we’re practically on the moon. So who’s to say the moon men might not come here first? Just to say hi?

What do you think Arden and Sister Eunice (Lily Rabe) are chucking food at out in the woods?

Ardenclearly is doing away with patients and turning them into ground meat so he can feed creatures of some kind in the woods. But what? Given Arden’s focus on science, I assume it’s some sort of project that involves creating animal/human hybrids, using some of those human brains he has lying around in his office. But that’s just a working theory right now. Also: isn’t it kind of fun that Arden is a trifle reminiscent of Charles Montgomery? I mean, he’s not sucking in any ether yet, but they both have a fondness for apothecary jars.

It was obvious to all that Lana’s commitment to the asylum is a comment on why gay marriage is necessary, right?

When Lana’s partner (Clea DuVall) was forced to sign the papers that would allow Lana (Sarah Paulson) to obtain “the finest of care” (cough), she pointedly said at least twice that she “has no legal standing.” And clearly, as a woman in 1964 who’s married to a woman but not really, she doesn’t. As noted above, this situation — along with the racial matters raised by Kit’s marriage and the sexism in the workplace problems that steely Sister Jude confronts and the iPhone user harassment clearly suffered by Adam Levine — is just one of the issues that will be tackled on this show.

Oh, before I forget: what’s up with Grace?

She’s being awfully nice to Kit. But why? How long has she been at Briarcliff? She seems pretty convinced that getting out isn’t an option for anyone, but she’s also not afraid to skulk around and help an alleged serial killer get access to a few cigarette piffs. Clearly more information is needed here.

What’s the deal with Bloody Face?

Is it possible he really is Kit? Given my previous dissertation on the aliens, I say no.

My theory, at the moment, is that Arden is actually Bloody Face. He has a pretty convenient way to destroy the evidence of dead bodies. And it’s also convenient that the accused killer — who was remanded to Briarcliff with the permission of the Monsignor, who clearly supports Arden — is so close-by and therefore capable of having his brain manipulated, literally, by the not-so-good doctor.

Okay. But then why is Bloody Face still walking around in 2012?

I’m fuzzy on that. Is he immortal? Did he become immortal because of the awesomeness of science? Is he a ghost that’s haunting Briarcliff in modern times?

I am not sure. But I am sure that you are all now being ordered to report to the comments section from which you might never leave.

Just kidding. I would love to hear your thoughts on last night’s episode, though, so please share them below.

By  |  08:02 AM ET, 10/18/2012

Tags:  American Horror Story

 
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