More than eight months have passed since Beyonce and Jay-Z welcomed daughter Blue Ivy into the world. The Internet has been feeling bereft ever since, with no Beyonce pregnancy conspiracies to discuss or Beyonce baby quotes to analyze or pictures of Beyonce in maternity wear to peruse, then quickly minimize on our computer monitors during random cubicle pop-ins from our bosses.
Obviously, there’s only one way to solve this problem: Beyonce needs to be pregnant again. Both MediaTakeOut.com and Hollywood Life recently made it so, reporting that the Queen Bey was showing a baby bump at a party she and husband Jay-Z attended on Saturday. Hollywood Life also claims that a source close to the couple confirmed they are expecting another child.
Beyonce’s rep has said she does not comment on the megastar’s personal life and therefore has neither confirmed nor denied. Nevertheless, this has caused multiple stories about the alleged pregnancy to make their way through the Intertubes during the past 24 hours and onto sites like the Huffington Post, Entertainment Weekly and Jezebel, which is skeptical about this rumor. I am, too. Here are three very good reasons not to believe that Beyonce is pregnant right now.*
(*Note: Celebritology reserves the right to amend this statement if it turns out that Beyonce actually is pregnant right now. But seriously, we really don’t think she is.)
1. The alleged baby bump doesn’t look like much of a bump.
I’m sorry, that bump is barely visible. It's more like a ripple. If that fabric slope proves she’s expecting, then Jay-Z and Swizz Beatz, who also attended the soiree, may be about six weeks along as well.
2. The PR firm that sent out the photos also says it is not a bump.
The PR firm that issued the photos of Beyonce supposedly looking like she’s about to complete her first trimester said the bump — which, again, wasn’t much of a bump to begin with — just looked a little unintentionally bumpy in one image, as both Jezebel and E! have noted.
3. This one is important: Beyonce was drinking alcohol at the party in question, or at least pretending to.
Daily Mail photos indicate that Beyonce was sipping alcoholic beverages, or at least holding them up to her lips, at the New York party to which she wore that form-fitting leopard-print dress that sent off unnecessary pregnancy alarm bells. Which makes sense, since the party was sponsored by Bacardi’s D’usse cognac, an adult beverage endorsed by Jay-Z and one that is getting excellent publicity by having all these photos being passed around online.
So, in summary, if Kate Middleton’s decision not to drink wine proves that she is pregnant (which it doesn’t, really, but just work with me), then Beyonce’s decision to sip brandy means she is not pregnant. That’s a basic tenet of celebrity-pregnancy-rumor analysis right there. Case. Closed.
This is the first in what maybe, perhaps, will become a regular Celebritology series called “Calm Down, Internet.”