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Posted at 11:00 AM ET, 01/12/2007

Celebritology Clip n' Save: How to Live In America (If You're a British Soccer Star or His Wife)

The Beckhams are coming to America. Becks -- international soccer star, Mr. Posh and all around pretty boy -- is reportedly set to sign a five-year $250 million dollar contract with the MLS's L.A. Galaxy soccer team. This is apparently some kind of big deal for American soccer, as ably explained by The Post's Steven Goff and Dan Steinberg, but I'm more interested in seeing if Becks and Posh will be able to bend it like Brangelina -- meaning, how will these two English roses react to the hot Hollywood climate?


Hoping to ease their trip across the pond, I've called on celebrity advice SWAT team member Lisa Todorovich to help me come up with a few tips for the transplants.

1. No matter what, stay away from Paris Hilton. Her tastes tend to run more to fallen pop stars and Greek shipping heirs, but she does have a penchant for collecting exotic pets.

2. Culture shock can be a killer. For some solid pointers, you may want to study this old, umm, documentary series -- "The Beverly Hillbillies" -- chronicling the migration of another family to Hollywood. This could be helpful for avoiding faux pas like answering the door with a loaded shotgun.

3. Although you seem to have cultivated some kind of long-distance relationship with TomKat, proximity may have you reconsidering. If Tom starts talking to you about operating thetans and a house for sale conveniently close to the Scientology Celebrity Center, you might want to back away slowly.

4. There's a little known law on the California books that prevents more than two Spice Girls from congregating in one place. With Scary and Posh stateside, consider yourself on notice.

5. Listen, Posh, remember when you called Naomi Campbell "a massive cow"? On behalf of her former assistants, can I just say well done and I hope there's more where that came from.

6. We are a culture of self-help and celebrity glorification. Three words: celebrity diet book. And, if that fails, two words: reality show.

7. Americans aren't really sure what "Posh" means. You might consider rebranding with something a little more understandable to the WYSIWYG U.S. market. Perhaps "Snotty clotheshorse" would do?

8. The two of you have dealt with -- and survived -- a paparazzi crush in Britain that would send Lindsay Lohan back to the hospital for another appendectomy. After that, Perez Hilton and TMZ.com should be a cakewalk. Think of this as passing "Go" and collecting your requisite reward. Manifest Destiny and all that.

9. Posh, as you're mulling your next career steps, consider becoming a life coach. You capitalized on early celebrity, married well, had three children you aren't accused of neglecting, and you wear underwear. As far as we know. Britney Spears needs your help.

10. Another career option: celebrity stylist. On second thought...

11. You both will be inundated with acting offers. Yes, really. And as you consider them, think of other athletes-turned-actors: Joe Namath, O.J. Simpson (that whole murder case thing notwithstanding),The Rock, and other pop-stars-turned actors: Justin Timberlake, Britney Spears, Beyonce. Beyond a token appearance hosting "Saturday Night Live," please do us all a gigantic favor and say no.

12. Becks, if in the end your very presence doesn't sufficiently goose MLS and the promise of soccer in the United States, don't take it personally. We don't listen to anyone.

One in an occasional series of how-to articles written with armchair celebrity adviser Lisa Todorovich.

By Liz Kelly  |  11:00 AM ET, 01/12/2007

Categories:  Celebritology 101, Celebritology 101, Celebritology 101

 
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