Fall may be the season of back-to-school nights and renewed homework rituals, a time when our sun-scorched brains supposedly recalibrate themselves to the cerebral setting. But that doesn’t mean summertime, which we, regrettably, are about to leave behind, is completely devoid of teaching moments.
In fact, we Americans learned a lot this summer and everything we learned — really, every. thing. — came from the people most equipped to teach us: celebrities, obviously!
During the past three months, here are 10 of the lessons that Hollywood stars managed to impart to the public, making us all better people as a result. Fine, maybe “better” isn’t the right word. Maybe snarkier? More vapid? More opinionated about the relationships between people in the “Twilight” movies?
Whatever. Just read the list.
— It’s really not a good idea to cheat on your spouse with the hottest actress in Hollywood, who happens to have appeared in a film you directed. It’s also not a good idea to cheat on the boyfriend you technically never confirmed was your boyfriend, and to do so with the director of a contemporary fairy tale in which you starred. Caveat to both lessons: If you want your name to appear in endless headlines, then both of these scenarios are the best ideas ever.
— People have far more opinions that you might imagine on this important subject: “Is Miley Cyrus too young to be engaged to that guy from ‘The Hunger Games,’ who also happens to be Thor’s brother?”
— People have just as many opinions as you might imagine on this important subject: “Jennifer Aniston finally got engaged again, so can we finally stop discussing her life as it relates to ex-husband Brad Pitt?”
— Nothing makes the Internet happier than Peter Jackson confirming that he will make three movies, instead of a mere two, based on “The Hobbit.”
— Actually, wait. One thing makes the Internet happier: seeing tweeted, mostly non-revelatory photos from the set of “Arrested Development.”
First day. Away we go... twitter.com/batemanjason/s…— Jason Bateman (@batemanjason) August 7, 2012
— If you plan to divorce Tom Cruise and want to settle the matter as quickly as possible, blindside the man in almost-ninja-style fashion, an approach to ending a marriage now known as “Katie Holmes-ing it.”
— Should you attach a bizarre photo of Nicolas Cage to a job application — either intentionally or accidentally, as Canadian employment-seeker Vanessa Hojda did earlier this summer — don’t hesitate to send it. Providing the world with endless amusement via a viral image of said attachment is infinitely more important than working. Seriously, we all learned this during the recession, right?
— Queen Elizabeth jumped out of a helicopter with James Bond during the Olympics Opening Ceremony, teaching us that even members of the British royal family know how to have a good time. Then Prince Harry went to Las Vegas, on an apparent mission to make sure we all really, really learned that they know how to have a good time.
— It is not possible to explain what’s happening in the Jackson family right now without one or all of the following: a powerpoint presentation that includes family trees and other infographics; regular scans of Paris Jackson’s Twitter feed; a legal consultant who can explain all the mumbo jumbo about wills and the chain of command on custody agreements; and at least two days off of work so you can finally focus on processing all this because it’s important.
— The world is not going to end anytime soon. We now this for a fact because Snooki had a baby this summer and so did one of the Kardashians and the world continued to turn as if nothing alarming whatsoever had just happened. We even thought their babies were pretty cute. So everything is going to be just fine, everyone. Or, depending on your perspective on the fact that both of these biths were considered news, we are all already in hell.