Critics of celebrity news often accuse devotees and their favored publications (and blogs) of lowering the level of public discourse. But, listen, there is plenty of stupid to go around without factoring Paris Hilton, Jeremy Piven or the entire celeb-reality genre into the equation.
Yesterday in the mail, I received a copy of what may be the most dimwitted, inane book ever printed (and, yes, I did stop to consider Nicole Richie's "novel" before making that pronouncement). "Flirtexting" promises 184 pages of breathless advice for "anyone who has a cell phone and wants to get it on."
From the back cover:
"It's official. Boys text, therefore girls must learn how to flirtext! Like it or not we live in a culture that accepts dates, heart-to-heart talks, and late night invites via text. Embrace it -- flirtexting is the way to his heart!"
The book's two authors -- Debra Goldstein and Olivia Baniuszewicz -- describe themselves as successful graduates of "The Rules" and "He's Just Not That Into You" and their only credentials seem to be the fact that both were undergrad communications majors and own cell phones. Debra and Olivia promise to teach you how craft the BPT (Best Possible Text), how to decode his text (Is it a "booty text"?), how long to wait before responding (not immediately!) and provide "examples of sassy, flirty and funny responses to his generic texts."
Here are a few:
His text: "Hi."
Your "Flirtexting" engineered response: "Hey yourself." Or, if you're feeling "flirty": "Hey handsome."
His text: "You are so cute. I miss you when you're not around."
Your "Flirtexting" engineered response if you happen to be a total dolt who has never seen "Casablanca": "Are you reciting lines from 'Casablanca' again?" Or, if you're feeling "sassy": "I know, aren't I adorable?"
His text: "Are you still mad at me?"
Your "Flirtexting" engineered response: "Ask me again when you show up on my door step with a fro-yo and 'The Notebook.'" Or, if you're feeling "sassy: "Is Al Gore GREEN?"
It goes on -- there is advice on texting under the influence and "sexting" (yes, it is what you think it is -- and the authors recommend including sexy photos) -- but I won't torture you with more excerpts. What the book doesn't seem to include, although it is arguably the biggest by-product of the texting age, is how to break up with someone via text.
Today's mission, should you choose to accept it, is to construct a fictional flirtext between two celebs using the exchanges above as models. A few examples:
Justin Gaston (Miley Cyrus's 20-year-old boyfriend): "Hey, what's up?"
Miley's "Flirtext" engineered response: "I'm going to pull your endocrine system out of your body and make a hat out of it."
(After reading the response in some confusion, Gaston realizes he accidentally texted Gary Busey.)
Add yours below...