In which The Washington Post’s Katie Rogers, blogger for The Buzz, recaps the latest Snooki and Situation antics, in semi-mathematical fashion.
After taking a week away from the usual “Jersey Shore” madness, I found that I missed the televised glow of a good spray tan in my life. So I’m back with a recap. Let’s do some math, “Jersey Shore”-by-the-numbers-style!
Revived Guido Power Couple Romances: 1
Jenni “J-Woww” Farley and her beau Roger open the latest episode stuck in a stalemate (on the duck phone!). The problems all stem from J-Woww’s trust issues. Once J-Woww realizes the error of her ways, it looks as though the two have mended their love for the time being.
Boring-ish Situation situations: 3
When Deena Cortese and Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi bake Danny-the-Boss an “I’m Sorry for Being a Drunken Buffoon on the Job” (or something) cake, they are irked to find a chunk of the pastry missing the next morning. All eyes immediately looked to Worst Roommate Ever Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino, but it turned out the culprit was actually Paul “DJ Pauly D” DelVecchio. So a scorned Mike decided to start causing trouble, crafting some sort of strange, nascent master plan that focuses on Snooki.
But first, a romantic interlude: A night out with ladyfriend Paula found the two contemplating their future as a couple. It seems that another guido power couple’s potential is percolating under Karma’s black lights.
Or maybe not! The next night, Mike drunkenly tried to put the moves on Snooki with promises that involved whipped cream and handcuffs. Always the demure one in the group, Snooki declined. Meh.
“Snooki’s faulty bladder” story arc: 1
Let me just kick off this next section with a semi-rhetorical question: How much trouble is this show in if it needs to drag out the drama surrounding Snooki’s urinary tract infection over three episodes? I know ratings are sliding and all, but just when I thought the producers couldn’t sink any lower than the drawn-out Sitch-Snook partnership, they stoop to this.
Anyway, J-Woww took Snook to the clinic, during which the classiest broad on the shore discloses that this is her 10th or so UTI of the year. The doctor tells her not to drink, but that lasts about five minutes.
“I drank so much that my frickin’ UTI was drunk,” Snooki said.
I can’t take any more — next topic. But this one might be worse:
Awkward meatball hookups: 1
With a smaller crew than usual, the group headed out, with Deena ready to pursue her sometime-hookup partner, Joey. She brought him back to the crew’s bungalow and attempted to start the smushing, but Pauly had left piles of dirty dishes on her bed. After those got cleaned up, Snooki gave Joey a condom and declared that she’d like to watch the two of them have sex. She snuck in, peeped for a little bit, then contemplated scampering off.
“Just kidding!” she yelled to the coupling couple. “Love you.”
Uh, forget that thing I said earlier about this show not possibly sinking any lower. Until next week . . .