In which The Washington Post’s Katie Rogers, blogger for The Buzz, recaps the latest Snooki and Situation antics, in semi-mathematical fashion.
This week, our “Jersey Shore” friends celebrated their recent return to full guido strength, as a slightly fitter and oddly tattooed Vinny Guadagnino returned to Seaside Heights after some gentle prodding from the rest of the group.
“It’s just the way I remembered,” Vinny told Paul “DJ Pauly D” DelVecchio, “except that you’re tanner.”
Translation: This means it’s time to go get sloppy at Karma. But before things at the “Shore” get too sloppy, let’s crunch the numbers in this week’s episode.
Number of ‘I love yous’ uttered: 1
“I love you!” Deena shouted into Pauly and Vinny’s room.
“All right,” came Vinny’s heartfelt reply. Fine, so maybe this wasn’t a very special Valentine’s Day episode of “Jersey Shore.”
Instances of bladder problems: 2
Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi was so happy about the return of Vinny — and to be dancing with her girls, of course — that she urinated all over herself on the dance floor at Karma. But after accosting the bathroom attendant and dousing herself with spray deodorant, Snooki was, once again, good to go.
The next morning, Snooki followed up by hiding her panties in a trash bag outside on the deck. Pure class.
After acknowledging that she has a urinary tract infection — “I’m a vet tech and I know what to do when it comes to UTIs,” she said — she came up with a solution for her incontinence. It was, of course, the worst possible solution: to just keep drinking. In no time at all, she was back outside, dropping trow and urinating all over the deck.
Please, try to forget that she’s a millionaire.
While trying to brush out her nasty blond weave post-Karma, Deena Cortese attempted to plug in a hair dryer and received what appeared to be some sort of electric shock — “watts, or whatever they’re called.”
She walked it off. What’s more, her bladder remained under control. Kudos, Deena.
Situation situations: 1
Ronnie Ortiz-Magro was skeptical of Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino’s sudden resolution to cause less drama in the house; meanwhile, Pauly and Vinny were annoyed by the seemingly random gaggle of male friends who appear whenever The Sitch goes out with the group. This, in turn, made Mike paranoid, prompting him to confide in Team Meatball about the matter after a drunken Sunday Funday. Their advice: Confront the rest of the guys.
Mike tried to take the productive route by doing just that, but because he was hammered enough to partially expose his genitals, no one really listened to what he was saying. Hence, a frustrated Situation decided to delay “The Confrontation."
In other news, The Situation is the most boring character on this show, on which the bar for boring has sunk to painfully low levels. Moving on . . .
Weird drinking games: 1
The group engaged in the cleverly named pastime called “Warm Beer,” which evidently involves heating up a beer can and smearing soot-like residue from the bottom of the can all over your roommate’s face. Or something. I don’t get it.
Meatball makers: 1
Snooki’s dad showed up and crashed in-house hair extension day. (Side note: Have we seen him before? He’s scary-looking in a completely different way than I anticipated.) Anyway, Snooki told him she had a UTI, so he did what good fathers do: He got her some cranberry juice and some fake eyelashes, then took her for a walk on the boardwalk. Dads rule.
Relationship problems: 1
Jenni “J-Woww” Farley has been thinking something’s off with her boyfriend, Roger. Even though she calls him repeatedly (duck phone!), no one’s ever on the other end of the line. She doesn’t know when she’ll see him again.
The Sitch finally ran into Roger on the boardwalk and (of course) notified Jenny, who was NOT happy. “He’s going to have to do some serious, serious apologizing and making up,” she said.
Uh-oh. What’s in store for this guido romance next week? And can we look forward to further Snooki incontinence? Make your predictions in the comments below.