In which The Washington Post’s Katie Rogers, blogger for The Buzz, recaps the latest Snooki and Situation antics, in semi-mathematical fashion.
This week on the fourth episode of season five, our “Jersey Shore” friends are dealing with some minor work stress and the possibility that a new roommate (or, possibly two) could be taking Vinny Guadagnino’s place.
T-shirt store performance reports: 1
With Vinny long gone and Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino’s apparent abrupt departure from the house, Danny The Landlord comes in and informs the group that he can’t make do with only six people occupying the cottage and working at his Shore Store. He needs eight indentured guido servants. (Those “Breathalyzer: Blow Here” T-shirts don’t press themselves, people!)
To avoid having to make room for strange people in the home, the crew pulls it together and puts in some actual hard work during their next shift. The whole empty nest crisis seems averted — until, of course, the very next shift, when Ron Ortiz-Magro, Mike and Jenni “J-Woww” Farley all show up late and out of uniform. That’s when young guidos and guidettes start approaching the counter asking about a job. Jenni suspects this is a possible recruitment event for a new roommate, so she does what any of us would do in a professional workplace setting: She tries (in vain) to destroy the “Help Wanted” sign.
Situation temper tantrums: 1
The Sitch comes back to the house after trying to trick the roommates into thinking he’d left the show. They really didn’t care either way, but Mike still feels the need to express his disappointment that the roommates did nothing for his birthday. In fact, they have a something in the works. Which brings us to...
Stripper-infested surprise parties for Mike and Paul “DJ Pauly D” DelVecchio’s birthdays: 1
The unsuspecting pair walks smack dab into a crowd of loved ones armed with silly string, booze and cakes shaped like parts of the female anatomy. “It’s pretty hard to surprise me,” Mike says, “I’m pretty paranoid.” The cherry on top comes in the form of a two giant stripper cakes, complete with strippers. Though they’re handcuffed to wheelchairs — ? — the two birthday boys look like they’re in heaven.
Questionable hook-ups: 3
Apparently, this is all it takes for Pauly to score a random girl: “I would like to get in my birthday suit with you.” The Situation gives his hook-up — one of the strippers — a chivalrous piggyback ride home. But things go wrong when the lady obsesses over being outfitted in matching, new socks. (“There’s a hole in my sock!”) Mike falls asleep without birthday sex, but Pauly walks away a happy customer, complete with a “nice meeting you” from his lady. For more on the third hook-up, read on.
Bunny suits: 1
Hopefully someday you earn way more money than you deserve. Then, like Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi, you can buy an expensive bunny suit, hide in the bathroom and pounce on your unsuspecting roommates.
“Dates” for Deena: 1
Someone tell Deena Cortese: Calling one of your roommate’s friends to come out and get blind drunk with you and your friends at a club (and hook up afterwards) does not constitute a date. Anyway, the group goes out for a “couples night” at the club, which ends immediately when Sammi Giancola gets into a nasty-looking fight with an unidentified group of women after her weave gets snatched. For someone who calls herself “Sweetheart,” this woman seems pretty terrifying when she’s angry. (Lady beat downs: 1)
Vinny rescue missions: 1
Vinny’s absence creates a hole in the group too big to bear. The crew makes custom T-shirts — “Vinning all day” — and heads to Vinny’s motherland, Staten Island, to retrieve him from his mom’s house. Just when they think no one’s home, someone answers the door and the group barges in to find their lost roommate upstairs.
Vinny rips off his shirt to reveal a huge chest tattoo: “Let Go, Let God.” The roommates are confused at the language but are ultimately supportive. And despite the fact that his mom is crying, Vinny decides to move back with the group to Seaside Heights.
Roommate crisis averted. For now.