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Posted at 08:32 AM ET, 01/13/2012

‘Jersey Shore’ by the numbers: So long, Vinny

In which The Washington Post’s Katie Rogers, blogger for The Buzz, recaps the latest Snooki and Situation antics, in semi-mathematical fashion.


Vinny talking over his anxiety issues. (MTV)

The second episode of season five finds Vinny Guadagnino with the other guys on the roof of the “Jersey Shore” crew’s house in Seaside Heights. And he’s looking like he’s about to jump off.

Homesickness and a grueling production schedule appears to be taking its toll.

“I can’t function in this environment,” Vinny says

“I think that’s a bad decision, bro,” roommate Ronnie Ortiz-Magro responds.

More on that later; right now, we have some basic calculations to do regarding this episode.

Early morning guido-on-guido tickle sessions: 1

We learn in this episode that Ronnie likes to sneak into Paul “DJ Pauly D” DelVecchio’s bed for clandestine foot tickling sessions. The two keep this ritual secret to a sleeping Vinny; no word on whether this is the real reason Vin wants to depart.

Booze-fueled relationship problems: 1

The crew’s first night out at Karma quickly devolves into drunken TeamMeatball mash when Deena Cortese goes in for for the kill with her old friend, Damien. Meanwhile, an obliterated Snooki babbles nonsense to Jionni, the boyfriend whose name we learned to spell correctly from getting a glimpse of her underwear; he’s also the boyfriend who looks genuinely uncomfortable to be dealing with a falling-down drunk Snooki in front of a camera crew.

Morning-after relationship fixes: 1

The pint-sized duo sleeps off the drama and everything is all right again. Reality TV stars: They’re just like us!

Burnt face/possible apocalypse: 1

We never thought this was possible, but Pauly finally overdoes it on the tanning. Suddenly, his olive-orange complexion turns a bright, mottled red. The roommates reluctantly stage an intervention.

“That’s when you know the world is going to end,” Snooki says. (And since season four of this show didn’t actually bring on the apocalypse, we fear Snooki could be right this time.)

Questionable hook-ups: 2

After hooking up with a random girl, Pauly’s a little harsh, immediately calling a cab (duck phone!) to get her out of the house. But that’s okay — the random girl gets revenge by stealing his diamond chain. (Spoiler alert: Hoping to see Pauly, this sticky-fingered young lady brings it back the next day.)

And then there’s Mike and his sex buddy, Paula. As most things go when Mike is involved, this situation is just sort of gross and uninteresting.

Vinny pouting sessions: 5

He can’t show up to the Shore Store on time, but when he does, Vinny attempts to press some decals on T-shirts to take his mind off of his issues. We soon learn that the problem isn’t just homesickness; Vinny confides in his “boss” Danny that he has a clinical anxiety disorder.

Any hope to have a meaningful conversation is dashed when Vinny and Danny decide that the best way to deal with Vinny’s depressive state is to plan a night out with drinks.

But first, Vinny’s roommates decide to prep for a night full of binge drinking with a group mani-pedi.

The fun is short-lived, and soon Vinny is back in the emo glasses from the last episode and once again confiding in Ron, the group’s resident caveman-turned-emotional touchstone.

“What do you do if you don’t wanna go out to a club,” Vinny says to Ron, “you know what I mean?”

Vinny eventually tells Snooki and Ron he’s decided to give up drinking and is seriously considering leaving Seaside Heights. Just before a night out, the group considers a last-ditch attempt to get Vinny to stay … but instead they head out, leaving Pauly behind to deal.

But it’s no use. Vinny has chosen to call home (duck phone!) and depart Seaside Heights. (Tear.)

Are you sad to see Vinny go? Weigh in by posting a comment.

By  |  08:32 AM ET, 01/13/2012

Categories:  Jersey Shore

 
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