The fifth season of “Jersey Shore” is coming to a close, and it appears that the world’s most famous guidos could be going back to their parents’ basements in Hoboken for good.
Ratings are falling, the star of the show is pregnant, and it’s unclear whether or not the crew’s beach house will be shut up permanently. But I’m okay with this. If what it took to sustain attention around this show for so long was a drunkenly abusive relationship and lots of casual sex, I’m totally fine with this show ending for fetal health purposes.
Anyway, let’s do some math for what may be the last time:
Roommate prank fests: 1
While the rest of the roommates were away camping, Paul “DJ Pauly D” DelVecchio and Vinny Guadagnino rearranged the furniture by moving the outside stuff inside and the inside stuff outside. The roomies came home to find the obnoxious duo bathing in the living room in an inflatable pool; reaction was decidedly mixed. And later, while rain poured on everyone’s stuff — and gave the beds a much needed cleaning — Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino stood by, pouting as he let his possessions get ruined. This whole scenario sounds just like summer camp, but with dirty reality show money.
Sibling rumors: 1
Mike uncovered a secret about Joannie, Deena Cortese’s sister who happens to be dating Mike’s brother, Frank. The secret: that she has a bleeped-out sexual skill only bestowed to “The Chosen Ones.” Based on the insane lip reading talent I have developed over the course of piecing together bleeps on this show, I have a pretty strong guess as to what this “skill” is, but because The Washington Post is a family newspaper, you’ll have to check your DVR to verify.
But I digress. The crew met up at the club and the girls told Joannie what Mike’s been saying about her. The situation appeared close to boiling over when Deena confronted Mike about it, but he was ultimately able to convince her that his acknowledgement of this mysterious skill was actually a compliment.
Vinny met two very masculine-looking lesbians, took them home and got in a fight with Ron Ortiz-Magro over the smush room.Vinny won. Next!
The group spent one of their last nights in the house on the roof, standing under power lines and watching squall lines form in the sky. Once the tornado sirens started wailing, the guidos ran for cover, the lights went out and the girls started shrieking like hyenas. Deena attempted to leave in the middle of the storm, but producers presumably held her back.
Then, of course, they all decided to go to Karma.
The crew ended things on a positive note the follwing night during a smoke-filled family dinner, vowing to return next summer. But unless that return involves getting together for Snooki and J-Woww’s spinoff — baby shower at the Shore Store, perhaps? — I’m thinking it’s a long shot.
The bittersweet end to the show is perfect: Snooki, the last one in the house, ended it with a friendly goodbye to the duck phone. That’s amore.
Viewers, it appears as though our work here is done. What did you think about the finale? Will you miss “Jersey Shore”?