In which The Washington Post’s Katie Rogers, blogger for The Buzz, recaps the latest Snooki and Situation antics, in semi-mathematical fashion.
This episode of “Jersey Shore” plunges us right into the booze-fueled madness of the Seaside Heights nightlife scene. In the first 30 seconds, Jenni “J-Woww” Farley’s boyfriend, Roger, is beating the spray tan off of a touchy-feely drunkard who lunged for J-Woww on the dance floor at Karma.
But, not surprisingly, the night is still young, and the drama doesn’t stop there. Let’s recap:
Guido smush sessions interrupted: 2
Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi is angry that her tiny boyfriend can’t handle his liquor after a night out at Karma.
“You’re just a sucky boyfriend tonight,” Snooki says harshly to Jionni. (He’s not listening.) Later, Snooki admits that she and Jionni aren’t exactly healthy for each other ... but she doesn’t like to think about that stuff. (FORESHADOWING: Her knight in shining hair gel in this scenario may be Vinny Guadagnino.)
Meanwhile, J-Woww’s angry that Roger is socializing with her roommates while she’s waiting impatiently in the smush room. Roger confides in Ronnie Ortiz-Magro that the two had a rough few days.
“I feel like if my girlfriend complained as much as she did, I’d probably ‘lose my phone’ too,” Ronnie, who has apparently forgotten about all of the epic drama in his own relationship, says with a laugh.
Team crabbing sessions (not what you think): 1
For some unknown reason probably having absolutely nothing to do with the show’s producers desperately needing fresh material, the crew decides to plan a fishing day trip. In true household misfit fashion, Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino decides to sunbathe in the middle of the dock while the rest of the roommates try to catch crabs with traps. (Subtle, I know.) And in true Team Meatball fashion, Deena Cortese and Snooki head out onto the choppy sea clinging to a floating raft. They sink it, of course, and freak out over a fake shark attack, of course.
“Your eyelash is floating in the Pacific,” Snooki tells Deena.
Pauly D stalker reappearances: 1
Vanessa, the girl who roams Seaside Heights wearing a trucker baseball cap inscribed with Paul “DJ Pauly D” DelVecchio’s name, stalks but won’t speak to Pauly. Understandably, this bothers the roommates.
“It’s messing with my blowout,” Pauly admits.
J-Woww plans to aggressively confront the girl, but her softy side is exposed once she realizes that this strange young lady is painfully shy.
Questionable hookups: 3
After a night at Karma featuring Snooki dancing dressed in that increasingly filthy bunny suit from past episodes, Mike grabs a bunch of random girls for the boys of the house to smush.
Without anyone to hook up with, Snooki and Deena drunkenly stumble in the surf until a police officer breaks up the fun. You’d think Snooki would learn about acting like a fool on this particular beach by now, but apparently not. The cops usher the girls off the beach — “I’m not going to hold your hand,” one tells Deena — with Snooki dragging the bunny head behind her.
Boardwalk “motorcycle” purchases: 1
Snooki day drinks with Ron at Jimbo’s Bar and buys him a tiny motorcycle. The weird thing is that I don’t think she’s that drunk.
“Sorry, Gramps!” Snooki yells as she almost takes out an elderly man while swerving all over the boardwalk.
Are we done yet?
Episodes left of this awful season: 3