In which the Washington Post’s Katie Rogers, blogger for The Buzz, recaps the latest Snooki and Situation antics, in semi-mathematical fashion.
Season five of “Jersey Shore” takes us back to Seaside Heights, N.J., after the no-pants fiasco that was the group’s season-four stay in Florence, Italy. And though we know by now that these people are millionaires, it’s very clear that they basically live out of suitcases. They all look a little worse for wear.
“I feel like I was at boarding school and America was my mother,” remarked Ronnie Ortiz-Magro in Thursday’s premiere, upon landing back in the States.
Bring on the boardwalk, fellow guidos and drunken drama, right? Maybe. The problem is that these “Jersey” rituals are as tired as “gym, tan, laundry.” So we’ve devised the following plan for season five: we’ll be breaking down “Jersey Shore” each week by the numbers.
Duck phone appearances: 1
The group could not have been any happier to come home to the twin beds and kitschy familiarity of Seaside Heights, including, of course, Snooki’s mallard-style phone. In fact, the group’s first order of business was to visit the Shore Store, where they’ve “worked” for owner Danny for the past three out of five seasons. That’s a little something called professionalism, ladies and gentlemen.
Relationship problems: 2
While Snooki couldn’t reach her boyfriend on the phone, J-Woww complained about not seeing her own other half, “Roger,” in forever. With this sort of filming schedule, it seems that drunken partying around the world may be more of a full-time job than we initially realized.
Relationship fixes: 2
The group stumbled into a surprise party full of their loved ones, where Snooki and J-Woww were happily reunited with Roger and Gionni. Not even creative references to that same tired Snooki-Situation hook-up could make this “plot” development very interesting.
Vinny Guadagnino, the most frequently homesick roommate of the bunch, attempted an adventurous guido coifs. The hairdo happiness was short-lived, however, once Vinny reconnected with his family at the aforementioned party. Suddenly, he was wandering around wearing emo glasses while Paul “DJ Pauly D” DelVecchio hooked up with one of his past conquests three feet away.
“I need an escape,” Vinny, who appeared to be losing his “Shore” tan by the second, remarked to Ronnie.
Is it possible that Vinny is over the splendor of Seaside Heights? (Uh, we’re thinking probably.)
After a season of fleeting references, we finally got to meet Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino’s protege (or something), “Unit,” supposedly the only person to witness the alleged past rendezvous between the Sitch and Snooki. I’m not sure what plagues me more: understanding why on earth a person would want so badly to prove that he watched any of that go down, or why on earth this person would elect to be The Situation’s only loved one in attendance at this party. In any case, Snooki apologized to Unit — for what, we’re still not sure — and that grenade appeared to have been defused. At least for now.
Were you amused and entertained by this season premiere? Or are you developing “Jersey Shore” fatigue? Weigh in by posting a comment.