Katie Rogers, who normally recaps “The Jersey Shore” in Celebritology, had a commitment that prevented her from handling this week’s duties. In order to make sure anyone who comes here for “Shore” information is not disappointed, Jen Chaney managed to sit through the episode and will provide a very brief summary.
There is a temptation to sum up this week’s episode of “Jersey Shore” — or really, best as I can tell, any episode of “Jersey Shore” — wth the following single sentence: a bunch of drunk and/or hungover people got into fights about stupid stuff, occasionally while talking into a telephone shaped like a mallard duck.
But I’ll provide a tad more detail than that. Just a tad.
— Snooki stumbled around drunk while wearing her signature outfit: a short skirt paired with shoes made from the fur of Yetis. In a development that will undoubtedly inspire young women across this great nation, she did not urinate in public this week.
—JWoww fought with her boyfriend Roger while talking on the duck phone. Also, the Situation gossiped like a catty Stepford wife with his friend The Unit regarding the fact that his brother and Deena’s sister were hooking up. He did this while using the duck phone as well. Both conversations involved so much incomprehensible mumbling on the other end of the line that I was convinced Roger and The Unit are the same guy. But when Roger showed up in a subsequent scene at the gym, I got visual confirmation that he exists, and wears a bandana that makes him look like a ‘roided-up, non-Canadian Mike Reno from Loverboy.
Coincidentally, this really should be JWoww’s and Roger’s theme song based on this week’s episode:
—Deena and Snooki ran away from the Shore Stop — their alleged workplace despite the fact that they have no discernible responsibilities there — twice during a single shift to drink beer. Deena seemed surprised that their boss might actually fire them for doing this. In related news, the Department of Health just released a study that says the unemployed should not watch “Jersey Shore” because it will make their blood pressure shoot up to dangerously high levels.
—Pauly D was stalked by a girl wearing a trucker baseball cap that said Pauly D on it, then acted like a fifth grader when she attempted to speak to him. Vinny tried to hook up with a lesbian and, when that didn’t work, “smushed” with a backburner girl who he dubbed only a “five or a six” even thought she was clearly as cute, if not cuter, than the female cast members of “Jersey Shore.” These are the moments that will undoubtedly be mentioned when the National Organization for Women gives “Jersey Shore” its much-deserved lifetime award for advancing the causes of feminism and non-gender stereotypes. Presumably Snooki will accept on the show’s behalf, while wearing her Yeti boots.
I’m going to stop here before any additional brain cells — mine or Snooki’s — are destroyed by this exercise. Feel free to have an extensive conversation in the comments section about the clearly massive ramificiations of the relationship between the sibings of The Situation and Deena.