A decade and a half away from my teenage years, I am not ashamed to say that I thoroughly enjoyed watching last night's Teen Choice Awards . And by "thoroughly enjoyed" I mean an evening spent engaging in adolescent-style criticisms and witticisms about the entire production, ably assisted by my equally juvenile husband.
Still, some things about the show remain cryptic to my age-addled brain. No doubt there were parts of the production understood only by consumer culture drones between the ages of 13 - 19. Perhaps some teen, or the parent of a teen, can answer my lingering questions from last night's show:
1. Why was there a hot tub full of girls on the corner of the stage? I have to admit I only watched the last half hour of the show, but were they in that hot tub for the entire two-hour production? Did their skin float off by the end of the evening?
My Surmise:The massive entertainment-industrial complex wanted to reinforce the message that women have come a long way. They are no longer stereotypically barefoot and pregnant (unless you're a pop star from Louisiana). Indeed, they are bikini-clad and boiled.
2. What was wrong with Jessica Simpson? She came off as freakishly giddy -- whether feigning surprise over her baffling win for best movie breakout star ("Dukes of Hazzard" and I will not make a Proactiv joke here) or "comically" donning some grills to make a point about bling. She also apparently raided her sister's pre-surgery closet for her little girl Goth look.
My Surmise: She was hanging out backstage with Snoop Dogg and a little gin and juice.
3. How uncomfortable was Johnny Depp? When accepting the award for best actor, he sheepishly scratched his head while waiting for a venue full of teen girls to stop shrieking at him in lust. Then he mumbled out a hurried thanks and shuffled off the stage with his surfboard-sized award.
My Surmise: The notoriously reclusive Depp must've been conked on the head and spirited unconsious to the awards show by Disney execs. Oh, and girls, he's 43. Stick to Orlando Bloom and leave Depp to mom and Aunt Liz.
4. How much did Kevin Federline's performance bite? From his big surprise (that's him behind the piano. Snap!) to his out-of-breath rapping and embarassingly simple lyrics ("I'm in a whole other tax bracket." What, dependent?), K-Fed was by far the icing atop this cake of despair for America's youth.
My Surmise: No amount of marketing will make Mr. Spears a pop star. As noted by two perceptive friends, K-Fed reminded us of no one so much as an untalented version of Vanilla Ice. Yes, you heard me.