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Posted at 08:40 AM ET, 09/12/2011

The Charlie Sheen roast: A sneak preview and a sampling of jokes


Charlie Sheen, arriving to get roasted. (MARIO ANZUONI - REUTERS)

Charlie Sheen’s career was mocked, his parenting skills were criticized and his general existence as a human being was ridiculed during the Comedy Central Roast of Charlie Sheen, taped Saturday night in Culver City.

The big Sheen-excoriating event won’t air until next Monday, when its broadcast debut will coincide nicely with the Sheenless return of “Two and a Half Men.”

But of course, some of the jokes and other details began to leak online over the weekend as various members of the press shared dirty little non-secrets from the event.

E! Online’s Marc Malkin said the whole thing made him feel like he needed a hot shower afterward. “What made this roast different than most others is that this time around, the roastee seemed to be celebrated for two things—his unapologetic abuse of drugs and his horrendous treatment of other people (i.e., women),” he wrote, adding “Hilarious. Who doesn’t love some good domestic violence humor?”

While the tasteless humor may have been expected, there were still some surprises. For example, Kate Walsh of “Private Practice” participated in the roast even though she does not seem like the type to get up on a stage and find humor in a father’s failed child custody battle. (Reports of her comedic abilities were varied.)

Steve-O apparently broke his nose with an assist from fellow roaster Mike Tyson, who, for the record, apparently made the audience laugh during his set even though no one could understand what he was saying.

For reasons that presumably will become clearer when Comedy Central airs this thing, the “Jackass” star participated in a gag in which he repeatedly slammed his face into Tyson’s fist. As a result, he tweeted the following photo the next morning. It’s not pretty.

But enough about all that. Here are a few of the more printable, good-naturedly mean jokes that were told at Mr. Sheen’s expense. Obviously you can hear more of them yourself next Monday night at 10 p.m. ET on Comedy Central.

“You’re just like Bruce Willis — you were big in the 80s and now your old slot is being filled by Ashton Kutcher.” — Amy Schumer, via Entertainment Weekly

“Charlie, you’re the black sheep of a family that produced three Mighty Ducks movies.” — Jeffrey Ross, via Primary Ignition

“How much blow can Charlie Sheen do? Enough to kill two and a half men” — Jon Lovitz, via Reuters

“I mean, we all know there’s a good chance Charlie will be dead soon, so I wrote an obituary. Charlie Sheen, who became a tabloid fixture due to his problems with drugs and alcohol, was found dead in his apartment. Actually, you know what? I kind of just copied Amy Winehouse’s obituary. I only had to change three things: the sex of the deceased, the location of the body, and the part that says a talent that will be missed.” — Seth MacFarlane, via The Daily Beast

“It’s amazing, despite all those years of abusing your lungs, your kidneys and your liver, the only thing you’ve had removed is your kids.” — Kate Walsh, via AP

“The only reason you got on TV in the first place is because God hates Michael J. Fox.” — Anthony Jeselnik, via EW

By  |  08:40 AM ET, 09/12/2011

Categories:  Charlie Sheen, Celebrities

 
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