As noted in both The TV Column and Celebritology’s morning mix, the new cast of “Dancing With the Stars” was announced Monday night, ushering in a fresh batch of reality-show alumni, athletes and purposely provocative celebrities (read: Nancy Grace) as this season’s ready-to-rumba contestants.
Unlike the past two seasons of “DWTS,” which featured beloved ’80s movie stars (Jennifer Grey and Ralph Macchio, respectively) to rally behind, no one stands out as being immediately worthy of Celebritology’s unabashed support. I mean, Ricki Lake was in the original “Hairspray.” So that’s something, although perhaps not enough to merit sitting through weeks and weeks of Bruno Tonioli’s flailing, sexually charged assessments of Lake’s waltzing skills.
Actually, rather than clarifying who merits supports, the “Dancing With the Stars” casting announcement prompted questions. Many of them. Specifically, 15.
1. Will Nancy Grace — the polarizing HLN host who turned the Casey Anthony case into a matter of national interest and will probably find a way to use the phrase “tot mom” during merengue rehearsals — get voted off first? Because it’s hard to imagine her winning over many fans no matter how smoothly she moves in a glittery leotard. Then again, we said that about Kate Gosselin. Which brings us to Question 2 . . .
2. Who does the “Dancing With the Stars” target demo dislike more: Nancy Grace, a woman who (arguably) exploited a case involving a child’s death to score big TV ratings, or Kate Gosselin, a woman who (arguably) exploited her own children’s lives to score big TV ratings?
3. With David Arquette in the competition and his estranged wife, Courteney Cox, starring on ABC’s “Cougar Town,” will Cox show up in the audience virtually every week to subtly mention that “Cougar Town” will return to the air once “Dancing With the Stars” ends its season?
5. Does the participation of Rob Kardashian pretty much guarantee that a Kardashian — or several — will get shoved into our faces every week? Actually, consider that a rhetorical question.
6. Shouldn’t Carson Kressley be allowed to make over every costume worn on the show? I’m pretty show he’s going to say that a sequined leopard suit and Nancy Grace really should not mix.
7. Is there any chance whatsoever that Ricki Lake will not dress up in retro ’60s clothes at some point and start doing the mashed potato? Again, this is rhetorical, really.
8. Will Cher appear to support Chaz Bono?
9. Will Cher perform during the season?
10. Will Cher perform during the season while wearing her “If I Could Turn Back Time” outfit?
11. Will Kristen Cavallari make us wish we could turn back time and stop “The Hills” from ever airing, thereby also preventing Cavallari from getting an opportunity to appear on “Dancing With the Stars”?
12. Is George Clooney going to make a surprise appearance to show some support for ex-girlfriend Elisabetta Canalis? He does have two upcoming movies to promote. Although neither of them is affiliated with Disney . . .
13. . . . still, hypothetically, if (pipe dream) Clooney appears on “Dancing With the Stars,” will the celebrity universe officially collapse upon itself in a big-bangesque explosion that leaves behind nothing but a strand of Clooney’s lovely salt-and-pepper hair, a tube of Carrie Ann Inaba’s lip gloss and a few remaining flecks of glitter from the costume that Laker/“DWTS” contestant Ron Artest will inevitably don during his disco tribute to “The Fish That Saved Pittsburgh”?
14. At what point in the season will Chynna Phillips become terribly discouraged and find newly discovered inspiration in the lyrics to “Hold On”? First episode, maybe?
15. J.R. Martinez is a war veteran who overcame severe injuries and facial burns after a stint in Iraq. He also stars on “All My Children,” a show that was recently canceled. Who will have the heart to vote against him?
I was wrong. There are far more than 15 questions to raise here. Continue asking them yourselves by posting a comment.