The news that Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries are ending their marriage — news now confirmed via an official statement from Kardashian that was released exclusively to the network that airs the reality show on which she and Humphries got married — has left some feeling befuddled.
Truly, so many questions are raised by the fact that Kardashian has filed for divorce after being married to her NBA player husband for a mere 72 days. How did this relationship fall apart so quickly? Why was Kardashian just recently talking about how excited she was to start a family? Why do any of us care about this entire ridiculous affair?
I’m not sure I can fully answer that last one, but I can attempt to provide some (mostly snarky) answers to a few of the obvious questions that this devastating divorce is forcing all of us to confront.
1. Why is Kardashian divorcing Humphries? No. Seriously. Why?
The official reason, according to the papers filed in court today, is the classic “irreconcilable differences.” After a mere two months of marriage — and a total of 10 months together — these two realized they simply did not get along and that their life plans were not in synch, something that the average person figured out after watching “Kim’s Fairytale Wedding” for roughly three seconds. Either that or someone decided that having them start divorce proceedings at the beginning of November would be a really smart way to promote season two of “Kourtney and Kim Take New York,” which begins Nov. 27 on E!
2. Wait, are you suggesting that the entire Kardashian/Humphries marriage was a total sham concocted to generate ratings, money and publicity?
Possibly. To quote Debra Opri, a divorce lawyer whose publicist just e-mailed a quote to me in an attempt to capitalize on the Kardashian fervor on behalf of her client: “In my humble opinion, the Kim Kardashian-Kris Humphries marriage was always a business deal, going in ... and will prove to be one, going out; in fact, a $17 million one.”
3. I can’t believe they’re divorcing! “Kim’s Fairytale Wedding” is still sitting unwatched on my DVR. What should I do?
There are two options here. One is delete it. The other is to watch it from an analytical perspective, to see if you can find new layers of inauthenticity in the wedding now that we know the marriage didn’t last. My recommendation? Delete it and read the recaps of part one and part two instead. (Hey, Debra Opri isn’t the only one who can use the Kardashian divorce to spread the word about her work. In that sense, we’ve all learned some important self-promotional lessons from Kim Kardashian)
4. Has Kris Humphries said anything about all this yet?
5. What about Humphries’s childhood pastor, Joel Johnson, who officiated their wedding and seems like such a nice man? What does he think of all this?
He has apparently spoken to HollywoodLife.com and seems genuinely surprised and disappointed about the divorce. “I’m sad to hear this,” he tells the Web site. “Why would Kim do this? I would love to connect with Kim and try to pull the reigns back and redirect this energy in a more redemptive way.”
6. Is E! really upset about this? I bet everyone who works there is really upset.
Oh my gosh, the network’s employees are super-upset. A statement on E! Online reads: “All of us at E! are surprised and saddened by this news, and we send our support to Kim and Kris at this difficult time.” I mean, they really, really did not see this coming. And neither did Ryan Seacrest, executive producer of “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” and “Kourtney and Kim Take New York,” who tweeted about it almost as soon as the news broke.
7. How come none of the Kardashians have tweeted about what is clearly very buzzy, breaking news that involves one of their own?
Actually, Khloe Kardashian finally said something on her Twitter feed. “Reading some these comments r so hurtful. Im grateful 4our fans who understand & r being respectful. Hate is disgusting. Love is everything ,” she wrote. She then added: “Thank God for family. We are strong and we will only become closer! I love YOU.”
The sad divorce was also clearly on the mind of mom Kris Jenner this morning. You could tell from a tweet she posted earlier today: “How fab is this sequin top I'll be selling at QVC tonight??! Just like the one I'm wearing on my memoir cover!!!”
8. So will Kardashian and Humphries have to return their totally overpriced vases and other unnecessary wedding gifts?
Probably not. The product placements for Geary’s — uh, I mean, the presents — were given to a couple that was married long enough to suggest that returns are not required. It would be a nice gesture, though.
9. Okay, fine. What about the crazy-expensive engagement ring Humphries gave Kardashian? Will she be returning that?
E! notes that, per the couple’s prenuptial agreement, miscellaneous “jewelry and other personal effects,” as well as “earrings and accumulations” should be considered as separate property that belongs to Kardashian. I have this weird feeling that the subject of the ring will become a plot point during “Kourtney and Kim Take New York.” Call it a hunch.
10. Can we stop talking about Kim Kardashian? At least for now? We’ve just run through nine questions about this ridiculous situation and I am feeling fatigued.
Sure. But only for now. Because if you think chatter about the Kardashian and Humphries divorce is going to go away this fast, you may be as deluded as the people who actually thought the marriage might last.