After spending an hour and 40 minutes on the clearly manufactured rift between Kim and Khloe Kardashian, as well as a seemingly endless debate about whether Kardashian should adopt husband Kris Humphries’s last name, we got 20 minutes, with commercial interruptions, of actual wedding time. At least five of those minutes were devoted to Kardashian’s hike down the aisle, an aisle that may have been as long as the Appalachian Trail. Of course, the Appalachian Trail doesn’t have all that swoopy black and white fabric draped across it the way the Humphries/Kardashian wedding tent did. Wasn’t it remarkable to see how Kardashian took the natural beauty of the Montecito estate where she got married — as shown in Part 1 of “Kim’s Fairytale Wedding” — and completely obscured it underneath heaps of unnecessary gaudiness? Truly impressive.
In keeping with yesterday’s rundown of ridiculousness from part 1 of this two-part E! extravaganza, here’s a rundown of 10 ridiculous moments from part 2.
1. Bruce Jenner’s insistence on wearing a baseball cap into a sex shop.
Due to the faux rift between sisters Khloe and Kim, mom Kris Jenner had to handle the traditional pre-bachelorette party trip to a sex shop. Husband Bruce came along and insisted on putting on a baseball cap before entering the store. Because it’s possible he would not have been recognized despite the fact that a full E! camera crew was trailing him, filming a number of saucy products whose images would be blurred out for primetime television.
2. The Hump proposal.
During Kardashian’s brief, allegedly genuine period of name-changing plans, she announced to her sisters that she would brand everything in the Kim Kardashian empire with H (for Humphries) instead of K. And that she also might brand some of her products The Hump (also for Humphries), featuring a photo of her famous backside alongside the logo. If the commercials for The Hump line featured “The Humpty Dance,” she might really have something there.
3. During a particularly heated argument, Kardashian disrespected Humphries’s home state of Minnesota.
“I was definitely raised in a different world than, like, yee-haw Minnesota,” Kardashian told her fiance. Now, I can’t say I have spent an extensive amount of time in Minnesota. But based on repeat viewings of the movie “Fargo,” I am pretty sure most people there don’t say “yee-haw” very often.
4. The violent (and manufactured) dislike between Kim and Kris.
During the rehearsal, Kardashian quietly told Humphries, “I’ll [bleepin’] slice you.” At the rehearsal dinner, she confessed to two friends: “I hate him.” In case you’re wondering, these are the manufactured-for-television moments that lead to a strong, reality TV marriage.
5. Kardashian insists she’s not about material things.
During a sobbing breakdown brought on by memories of her late father, Kardashian suddenly realized she had lost perspective about her wedding. “I hate that on the outside it’s all about the material things ... that’s not who we are,” she told Bruce Jenner. And then Bruce Jenner did a spittake in her face. No, he didn’t. But you could tell he would have if he had taken a sip of seltzer water right before she said that.
6. The Living Social name drop.
During one scene, Kris Jenner very subtly pointed out that daughter Kylie is a “really, really smart kid” because she went on this “new Web site” called Living Social and found a way to book a family trip to Hawaii for 50 percent off! That’s amazing. You know what else is amazing? That Living Social was a sponsor of “Kim’s Fairytale Wedding” and got such a prominent, apropos-of-nothing mention in the middle of the episode. What are the odds?!?
7. Wedding day tears
On Kardashian’s wedding day, she gives her mother the precious gift of a pair of super-expensive earrings, which prompted Kris Jenner to get all verklempt and note: “Say whatever you want about Kim wearing three wedding dresses. Or having a beautiful, extravagant wedding. She’s always doing something for somebody else.” It’s true. Not a day goes by that she doesn’t give an unnecessary, overpriced item to someone who already could afford to buy such an item.
8. The ceremony
The ceremony itself actually had a little bit of class ... which, admittedly, made it kind of boring. That classiness emanated largely from Pastor Joel Johnson, the officiant and Humphries’s family pastor. But the nonsense of the previous hour and 45 minutes of viewing clearly affected my ability to process his words. At one point he said to Kardashian on behalf of Humphries, “You treat every day like it will be your last.” At first, I honestly thought he said, “You tweet every day like it will be your last.” P.S. Did anyone else enjoy how everyone kept pretending this was the first and only time Kim K. had ever gotten married even though she married and later divorced producer Damon Thomas?
9. Disrespect for Demi Lovato.
As various celebrity wedding guests were shown — Eva Longoria, Mario Lopez, Dina Lohan for half a second — E! helpfully provided identification of each one. Unfortunately, no one at E! knows how to spell the name of the young woman who sings “Skyscraper.” She was ID’d as Demi Lovado.
10. And was that Joe Francis?
Yes, if you hadn’t heard already, the “Girls Gone Wild” founder was a wedding guest. At the wedding of a woman who once was famous for a sex tape, would you expect anything less?