Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries are getting married on Saturday. This is probably the first time you’ve heard this information since media outlets and entertainment blogs like this one have barely covered such important matters as what kind of wedding dress Kardashian will wear, or what’s on her crazy-expensive registry, or why she tweet-invited Ellen DeGeneres at the last minute. (Ellen DeGeneres — on the B-list?) But I thought it was time to finally give you a head’s up about what’s happening this weekend. You’re welcome.
Most likely, the post-Kardashian-wedding stories will focus on how well she walked in those Christian Louboutin heels, what Kardashian and Humphries danced to as their first song and which jewelers, bakers, florists and other assorted brands associated themselves with this multimillion-dollar affair. But wouldn’t it be fun if there were some element of surprise in all these self-promotional marital machinations?
With that in mind, here are four things I totally hope happen at the Kardashian wedding even though, realistically, they probably won’t.
It turns out the wedding was actually planned on a budget.
Despite all those reports that this will be an ultra-high-end wedding (which, according to the Hollywood Reporter, the Kardashians will actually profit from), the guests will arrive to find that the Kardashian family actually planned the whole thing on the cheap. Which means that when the E! special “Kim’s Fairytale Wedding: A Kardashian Event” airs in October, we’ll get to see Kathie Lee Gifford and other reception attendees snacking on warmed-up spanokopitas from Trader Joe’s while listening to Kim’s Super Awesome Wedding Mix on a first generation iPod that’s hooked up to a pair of dodgy speakers.
Kris Humphries leaves Kardashian at the altar.
After all this build-up, the New Jersey Nets star’s sizeable feet get cold and he ditches out on the whole thing. Of course, the couple would eventually make up, get re-engaged and choose another wedding date, thereby starting a second wave of over-the-top, pre-nuptial hype designed to keep their names in the headlines. Actually, maybe this wouldn’t be such a great surprise after all...
A wedding switcheroo.
In a real shocker, it will turn out that Kardashian and Humphries aren’t the ones actually getting married. Instead Kendall Jenner, Kardashian’s half-sister, and Julian Swirsky, the friend of Justin Bieber who Bieber recently tried to set up with Jenner, will tie the knot instead. Sure, they’re a little young and they barely know each other. But that will make just their new reality show, “When Kendall Met That Kid Who Knows Justin Bieber” much more compelling.
Kardashian and Humphries announce a surprising plan for their future.
Right after they say their vows and give each other that marriage-commencing kiss, the two will pause and face their guests. Kardashian speaks: “Thank you all for being here to share this special moment. Kris and I have an important announcement to make: we’re not staying for the reception.
“We’re leaving now and going to a small village in Zimbabwe where we will spend the next five years doing charity work and working to make the lives of the people there healthier and more prosperous. We will remain out of the public eye for the duration of that time. I will suspend my Twitter account and accept no additional endorsement deals, even the ones for sneakers that tone your butt, which, by the way, really do work. We will never walk a red carpet, sell photos of ourselves to magazines or star in a television show again. This is my vow to all of you.”
Like I said earlier, probably not going to happen.