Part 1 of “Kim’s Fairytale Wedding” — the “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” episode focused on the matrimonial event between Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries — offered everything one could want in a wedding episode of television. Except for an actual wedding.
That modest affair will be depicted in Part 2, which airs tonight on E! in two more hours of overdramatized conflict. Sunday’s Kardashian/Humphries marriage prequel instead focused on all the tension involved in planning a reality show wedding (lord, we all know how that goes) as well as Kris Jenner’s extremely emotional chin lift and Rob Kardashian’s insistence on eating tacos.
Here are the five most ridiculous elements from last night’s special, which can serve as a primer for those of you who plan to DVR Part 2 of ”Kim’s Fairytale Wedding” and fast-forward it just so you can see how absurd the reception was.
1. Kim Kardashian’s repeated use of the phrase “It’s so hard” to describe the grueling process of choosing a wedding dress.
Gosh, it really is “hard” to choose a gown when designers like Zac Posen, Vera Wang and Marquesa have offered so many expensive and beautiful options for free. Hard in the exact same way that, say, prolonged unemployment, chronic illness, famine or getting your arm trapped under a rock in the middle of a remote canyon for five days is hard. Yep, hard. That’s exactly the right word.
2. Everyone’s unfamiliarity with Kris Humphries.
No one in the Kardashian family seems to know the basketball-playing groom-to-be very well, which prompted sister Khloe to assume he’s trying to take advantage of Kim’s wealth and status. (It takes a fame whore to recognize a fame whore ... isn’t that the moral of one of Aesop’s fables?) Of course, some friction between Khloe and Kris plays far better on television than harmonious pre-wedding relations would, so that whole “conflict” got milked for nearly the entire two hours.
What’s worse, though, is that Kim Kardashian seems to barely know the dude, or at least barely know him for sake of the cameras. When she and her mom showed up at Geary’s to register for expensive china and a ludicrous nuber of vases, Humphries was late. “Is he the kind of guy who always runs late?” Kris Jenner wanted to know. “Apparently,” Kim K. replied. “I guess. I don’t know.” Pretty sure that’s in their wedding vows, too. “Do you promise to love and cherish this man?” “Apparently. I guess. I don’t know.”
3. The Kardashians’ complete disregard for Humphries.
In keeping with the Kardashian reputation for being total control-freak narcissists, Kim Kardashian and mom Kris totally ran the wedding show, choosing the venue behind Humphries’s back, arranging for transportation for only the bride’s side of the wedding party and generally disregarding his existence as a human being.
But the real capper was when they had the audacity to blow off his obvious distaste for the music of Christina Aguilera, who was proposed as a potential wedding reception performer. When your potential wife and in-laws’ can’t even be bothered to consider your anti-Xtina opinions, it’s time to reconsider the marriage.
4. Humphries’s desire to serve burgers and cookies at the wedding reception.
The soon-to-be Mr. Kardashian was treated shabbily. No question. But dude, don’t come to a meeting about the reception menu and advocate for serving burgers from a truck or cookies “like at the state fair.” Once you do that, your valid Aguilera-related concerns will never be taken seriously.
5. This show was two hours long.
Two hours. Add Part 2 and suddenly this thing is a miniseries instead of a reality show. Then again, given all the themes of power and politics, “Kim’s Fairytale Wedding” is kind of like “Shogun.”
Read Jen Chaney’s rundown of The Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries wedding special part 2 .