In perhaps the best real press release ever crafted to promote a fake celebrity-infant interview, The Onion News Network has announced that it scored an exclusive sitdown with the unborn child of Beyonce and Jay-Z, who, for the record, Celebritology will officially refer to as Sasha Fetus from now until the child’s birth.
According to the “press release,” the conversation with Sasha Fetus took place thanks to ultrasound equipment and a specially designed microphone inserted into Ms. Knowles’s womb.
Actually, you know what? Here’s the whole press release, which deserves to be read in its entirety even if it just a cheap (but funny) way to promote the upcoming second season of “The Onion News Network” on IFC.
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
ONION NEWS NETWORK LANDS FIRST INTERVIEW WITH BEYONCE'S BABY
Network To Air Exclusive Pre-Natal Interview With Singer's Fetus
New York, NY (August 31, 2011) - Just days after the announcement of pop megastar Beyonce Knowles' pregnancy took tabloids and celebrity gossip websites by storm, the Onion News Network has already conducted the first-ever interview with the singer's unborn child.
Onion News Network anchor Brooke Alvarez conducted the interview with the fetus at Beyonce's home in Hollywood using ultrasound equipment and a specially-designed microphone inserted into the "Bootylicious" singer's womb. In an in-depth, two-hour conversation Ms. Alvarez and the fetus discussed topics ranging from what gender it will be to what life is really like inside the world's most famous pop star.
"The fetus really opened up to me," said Ms. Alvarez, "It does not yet have the life experience or brain functionality to understand social norms, so it was very candid."
The interview became heated at one point when Ms. Alvarez questioned the fetus about accusations that it has repeatedly kicked Ms. Knowles. In what is sure to be a much-buzzed about moment, the fetus appeared to deny the domestic abuse charge when it moved the fleshy, fingerless nub of its hand toward its pre-formed mouth and said nothing.
The fetus may already have a bit of its mother's diva streak. Ms. Alvarez says at one point a crew member pushed a napkin and a pen up to the fetus in hopes of getting an autograph, but the unborn star refused to sign. Reportedly it did not even return the pen.