The Teen Choice Awards took place Sunday night, once again providing an annual excuse to watch celebrities attempt to make semi-serious acceptance speeches while awkwardly clinging to surfboard trophies.
Forty winners (read the full list here) were declared, but fewer than 15 awards were officially presented during the two-hour ceremony that aired on Fox. Remarkably, no one thanked God during their acceptance speeches. Even Justin Bieber, Taylor Swift, Josh Hutcherson and the cast of “Pretty Little Liars” realize that, if God does have a hand in determining who wins at awards shows, he’s probably not using his influence to sway Teen Choice voting.
Really, though, the trophies are only part of what’s “important” at the Teen Choice Awards. So many other things happened, you guys, and since I sat through approximately 70 minutes of this affair — I DVR’d and fast-forwarded a lot — I will summarize the key moments for you.
Demi Lovato and Kevin McHale of “Glee” co-hosted.
Although she began the evening by borrowing Madonna’s ponytail from the Blond Ambition tour, Lovato changed clothes and hairstyles several times. She also insisted on referencing McHale’s former boy band NLT, causing McHale and anyone witnessing their back-and-forth to squirm repeatedly.
No Doubt performed “Settle Down,” its first new single in a decade, for the first time on live television.
And confirmed that neither Gwen Stefani nor the music has aged a day since 1995.
Selena Gomez celebrated her birthday.
While Gomez, who turned 20 Saturday, collected a surfboard for her band, Selena Gomez and the Scene — which I still don’t think is technically a band, in the same way that the Teen Choice Awards is not technically a legitimate awards show — the entire crowd sang happy birthday to her. A tray of cupcakes with sparklers on top was wheeled onto the stage. No one was injured during this incident.
Ian Somerhalder accepted the Choice Hotties Award on behalf of himself and Miley Cyrus, who won the female version but was not there to accept.
Then he lifted his shirt and revealed that he has a tattoo on his abs of the rest of that Theodore Roosevelt quote that Cyrus got tattooed on her arm, confirming that he and Cyrus will be forever intertwined in their hottieness, as well as their appreciation for ink based on presidential quotes.*
*Note: This did not actually occur.
Jonah Hill figured out how to work Christopher Plummer into the Teen Choice Awards.
As he accepted the surfboard for Choice Comedy for “21 Jump Street,” he noted that he lost at the Oscars to Plummer, but that Plummer was not even in the running for a TCA.
“He's not nominated for anything tonight, so I’m better,” he said.
Taylor Swift honestly did not act super-shocked over her Teen Choice wins, as she often does at awards shows.
She really didn’t, despite what this photo suggests.
Justin Bieber performed “Boyfriend” while joined by the cast of the “Mr. Roboto” video.
The “Twilight” saga was recognized with the Ultimate Choice Award.
Zachary Levi read words on a teleprompter that said pop culture changed on Nov. 21, 2008, when the movie “Twilight” was released. He managed to say this without bursting out laughing or pausing in mid-sentence to go, “Wha, wha, WHAAAAAT?” Then we all learned that the “Twilight” films have earned an astonishing 41 Teen Choice Awards over the years, a fact that shocked even Kristen Stewart when she accepted the saga’s latest prize. Then Robert Pattinson closed things down by throwing his surfboard into the audience in what seemed like a gift to fans but was really a way to unload that thing because it is super-awkward to haul around all night.
Carly Rae Jepsen sang “Call Me Maybe.”
Which was a blessing, because for five minutes, a couple of Americans momentarily forgot the lyrics.
Internet sensations Sophia Grace and Rosie summed up entire Teen Choice Awards show.
When the pair of tutu-clad online sensations and regulars on “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” were given the Choice Web Stars award, Sophia Grace declared, “This is the best thing that’s ever happened!”
That’s right: A Teen Choice Award is the best thing that can ever happen to you. At least we all know what to shoot for now.*
*Note: This actually did happen. And it was sort of cute.