Blame Willow Smith.
Suddenly, singing, rapping celebrity offspring are everywhere. Most of them are terrible, especially the rappers, who are united in their fondness for posting awful, expensive-looking videos on Facebook in which they complain about limos and brag about their high quality weed.
Until Frances Bean Cobain forms a band (it's only matter of time), things will probably just get worse. To help separate the awful from the less-awful, Click Track has compiled a guide to the newest batch of musical offspring, ranked in order of offensiveness from least to most.
Offspring of: Wilco's Jeff Tweedy
What's the deal: A trio consisting of Tweedy and sons Spencer and Sam, the Raccoonists are keeping things on the DL-their only known track is the B-side of a Tweedy/Deerhoof collaboration.
Cause for concern: Their video features footage of lip-syncing raccoons. In our eyes, they can do no wrong.
Sample lyrics: None that we can understand.
Reason it might not be so bad: In his blog, the teenaged Spencer Tweedy insults Pitchfork, demonstrates the proper use of the word "ennui" and discusses the ineffable nature of paradoxes. We're going to trust him on this.
Offspring of: Sonic Youth's Thurston Moore and Kim Gordon
What's the deal: The seventeen year-old Moore fronts the Massachusetts-based Big Nils, who specialize in distortion-heavy punk.
Cause for concern: It's a little derivative, maybe, though it sounds more like Gordon during her Free Kitten years than anything Sonic Youth ever did.
Sample lyric: "You've got the herpes/Ha ha ha ha ha"
Reason it might not be so bad: Those genes!
Offspring of: Bob Dylan's son Jesse
What's the deal: The 16 year-old just released his first mixtape, "10 Minutes." According to his bio, he has done production work for Gucci Mane.
Cause for concern: He seems more like a craft-honing studio rat than, say, Hilfiger (see below) does. But still.
Sample lyrics: "Understand I really do come from scrutiny/ And mutiny/Cause my people turned their back on me/I'm the grandson of a man/Nothing less than legendary/That's a lot of pressure/So I Berry Gordy/ I am very Motown, [expletive]."
Reason it might not be so bad: We can't think of any.
Offspring of: Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson
What's the deal: Haze is a Northwestern undergrad whose biggest track so far is "White and Purple," a school pride-related takeoff on, among other things, Wiz Khalifa's "Black and Yellow."
Causes for concern: Excessive oafishness, songs about his frat
Sample lyric: "Got a call from the brothers in the frat house / I'm with my girl, tryin' to get up under that blouse / She a freshman / She a freak though / In the bed/ But a lady in the street, yo."
Reason it might not be so bad: Perhaps unfairly, Haze is bearing the brunt of the public's celebukid-related rage. One day, he might not be terrible. Also, Tom Hanks seems like a nice person.
Offspring of: Tommy Hilfiger
What's the deal: Like Haze, Hil is a rich white kid who likes to rap about smoking blunts.
Cause for concern: Excessive neck tattoos, refers to his native Connecticut as "the 'Cut"
Sample lyric: "Hi love/I’m your drug/Acid drops to your love/You lost your mind/I lost mine too/I left mine in the nineties/How 'bout you?"
Reason it might not be so bad: Lex Luger will reportedly produce Hil's official debut, which will come out on Warner Bros. Mysterious Drake associate The Weeknd is also apparently a fan.