wpostServer: http://css.washingtonpost.com/wpost

The Post Most: Opinions

direct signup

Today’s Opinions poll

Should the United States fund the service program AmeriCorps? President Obama would increase its budget. Rep. Paul Ryan would eliminate federal funding for the program.

Review your answers and share

Join a Discussion

There are no discussions scheduled today.

Weekly schedule, past shows

About Petri |  Get Updates: On Twitter ComPost on Twitter |  On Facebook Petri on Facebook |  RSS RSS
Posted at 08:00 AM ET, 06/26/2012

After hand-holding, other banned Tennessee behaviors

Tennessee has come under fire, of late, for a new, vague, abstinence-focused bill. The bill bans sex-ed teachers from talking about what its advocates called “gateway sexual activity,” prompting opponents to nickname it the “no-hand-holding bill.”

Gateway sexual activity? I have no idea what this means.

Here are some other behaviors I assume fell under that heading.

● Waving.

● Winking.

● Blinking with an eyepatch.

● Hitting on gates.

- Saying, “Hey, girl, are you from Tennessee? Because you’re the only 10 I see!”

This is encouraged.

● Drinking.

● Being Ryan Gosling.

● Texting after midnight.

● Sitting on the roof after a party and talking and talking about the stars and dreams and, you know, stuff.

● Watching “Game of Thrones.”

● Doing any dance but the polka, with a special exception carved out for slow, sensual polkas that made lawmakers uncomfortable.

● Touching the braid of a Naavi.

● Making whoopee.

● Asking people up to see your etchings.

● Reading “50 Shades of Grey” over a stranger’s shoulder on the subway.

● Making eye contact.

● Ankle-ogling.

● “Hooking up,” in any sense of “hooking up” that doesn’t mean “actually having sex” because obviously that part is covered by the law.

● The bases.

● Whatever that thing was that Bill Clinton did.

● Boombox-holding outside windows.

● Sheep-herding together for that one summer on Brokeback.

● Poetry.

● Not being a prokaryote.

● Teaching sex education.

By  |  08:00 AM ET, 06/26/2012

Read what others are saying

    © 2011 The Washington Post Company