There is no news this week. To call this the news doldrums would be a disservice to doldrums, where occasionally you run across the floating carcass of a dead seagull. If only we had so much to talk about!
Now, instead of news, we have announcements from Chumbawumba that they are breaking up (they didn’t already?) and from Peter O’Toole that he is retiring from acting (he’s alive?). We also have the fact that Mitt Romney spoke to the NAACP and that some of the people there were not happy about what he had to say, which, again, is not news.
But fortunately, this week marked the 65th anniversary of the putative alien crash landing at Roswell. (Have you noticed that there is no news?)
So it’s time to get to the bottom of these alien visits.
Chase Brandon, a former CIA officer, is telling the Huffington Post that he saw a file labeled Roswell in the CIA’s Historical Intelligence Collection and that what he found inside showed him “that everything I had believed, and knew that so many other people believed had happened, truly was what occurred.” If the file contained six paper clips and a dead seagull, it probably would have confirmed everything he thought about Roswell, given that he is the author of a fiction book about ETs on Earth called “The Cryptos Conundrum.”
Then again, who am I to doubt him? There is no news. And here is some evidence that he might be right about Roswell after all, which I just found in a box somewhere.
* If there weren’t extraterrestrials in New Mexico, why would Arizona have such bizarrely stringent laws about illegal aliens?
* There is definitely intelligent life in the universe. Rielle Hunter’s book has sold only about 6,000 copies.
* We just celebrated the 65th anniversary of Roswell, something we usually do not do for events that did not occur. Otherwise we would spend our entire lives celebrating things like the 50th anniversary of George Wallace’s election or the moon landing.
* By the time you get to the post-WWII era in high school history, you are usually skimming a bit because your teacher lingered too long over the Missouri Compromise, so can you really definitely say that anything after 1945 didn’t happen?
* All those heavily bearded men who hog the computer terminals at the library seem convinced, and they’ve spent more time studying the issue than I have.
* I found this picture on the Internet.
* Pretty sure this is what those first five minutes of “Prometheus” were all about.
* Something something Higgs boson.