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Posted at 07:08 PM ET, 08/25/2011

Bisexuals exist! Now what?

I never was in the camp of people who thought bisexuality was a myth. Why would it be a myth? It didn’t sound very mythical compared to Thunder Gods and people who turned into laurel trees when you hit on them too aggressively.

Now science has finally proved that male bisexuals exist, at least in Chicago. A study conducted at Northwestern University found, after dismissing nearly half the entrants for failing to meet baseline criteria, that, indeed, there were men attracted to both sexes. This must come as a relief to bisexuals, who had been hovering in a state of Cartesian uncertainty for years.

“We think we exist,” they would say, “but we’re waiting for the results to come back from the lab.”

Woody Allen said bisexuality doubled your chances of a date on Saturday night. But the downside of this was the lack of science on the subject. It left people unwilling to date bisexuals, worrying that they might turn out not to exist and transform their dating histories into the plot of “Fight Club.” And zero doubled was still zero.

But since they do exist, what next?

Now there are all kinds of sociological unicorns I want to hunt down.

After all, this finding means that unicorns may also exist, once you eliminate from the pool those who only think they might be unicorns.

The dating scene has always had its own share of mythology — the centaur? Half-man, half-horse. Generally the wrong half. The sphinx? If you answer enough of her questions, eventually you feel like you're sleeping with your mother. The goddess? She’s with Charlie Sheen. The basilisks — don’t stare at them or you’ll die! Not because these are magical beasts, just because they have very large, protective boyfriends.

Then there are those other myths. Women who don’t just say they’re into baseball. Guys you meet on Craigslist as wedding dates who turn out to be all your life was missing! Men who actually want to watch “The Notebook.” Single male cat owners who are not serial killers. Manic Pixie Dream Girls. Guys who will hold your purse and still look rugged. Furries. Actually, I would prefer to believe those were a myth.

My point is, now that science has started verifying these things, it shouldn’t stop. It should wade in with guns blazing! If Guys Who Actually Want To Show You Their Etchings exist, I want to be the first to know! I love etchings! Currently I just seem to be collecting data to the contrary.

But hey, it’s for science.

By  |  07:08 PM ET, 08/25/2011

Tags:  bisexuality, mythology, sex, science

 
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