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Posted at 01:42 PM ET, 07/07/2011

Bombs in implants? We’re letting the terrorists win


Do implants pose more of a health risk than we thought?
Implant bombs? You have got to be kidding me. Usually you don’t want your implants to explode. It causes embarrassment at the audition.

But this diabolical stratagem should be included in the potential arsenal of terror, according to some experts.

It is now being reported that terrorists could well have plans to implant bombs into their bodies. Bombs hidden in D-cups? What won’t they think of next? In response to this new threat, some expect security to ratchet up, although I have difficulty imagining how.

“I’m going to need you to remove those before stepping through the scanner,” the attendants will say to Hugh Hefner’s escorts.

“I am not ogling you, madam, I am trying to analyze the situation for concealed threats,” men will say at bars. “To do otherwise would be to let the terrorists win.”

I look forward to being gleefully manhandled by the TSA. “Doesn’t feel like a bomb,” the baffled blue-shirted woman with clammy hands and the approximate dimensions of Rhode Island will mutter. “But maybe you should get that lump examined.”

Forget the old chestnut about how “if terrorists really want to bother air passengers, they shouldn’t bring bombs! Bring a crying baby instead, or attempt to assemble one mid-flight.” This is much worse. They are planning to conceal weapons in All That Is Good And Beautiful In Life.

When will terrorists stop potentially embedding bombs in things we actually like and need, and start coming up with plans to, say, weaponize Hummel dolls and Thomas Kincade paintings? Perhaps this comes up at meetings when Incompetent Randall plans to do diabolical things with those singing gag gift bass. “Don’t get those banned from airports,” Project Manager Carl says. “That would be letting America win.”

But where can they go from here? What headlines would be more ludicrous?

Terrorists are planning to implant bombs in the Space Between Spaces? Terrorists are planning to implant bombs in “Inception,” if you ever play it on board an airline, but only on the snow fortress level? Terrorists are planning to implant bombs in their inmost thoughts and most private memories?

Can we agree we’ve reached the limit?

Machines now scan our entire exteriors for concealed weaponry. Must they look into our interiors, too? Leaving aside the fact that this might be a nifty solution to our health-care problem — free CAT scan, mammogram and colonoscopy whenever you travel, for security reasons — this has moved beyond the realm of parody into whatever realm is beyond parody, maybe Narnia. Clearly nothing is too absurd to be considered a threat by the TSA. As I type this, they are no doubt soberly removing all copies of “Inception” from airports.

Scan our outsides? Done. Scan our insides? Probably next.

Look into our heads? Never. That would be too ridiculous.

By  |  01:42 PM ET, 07/07/2011

 
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