Chris Christie not running! And other not-breaking news


And this happened! (Not.) / Albrecht Dürer. "Vision of the Seven Candlesticks" from the series "The Apocalypse." c. 1496-1498, printed 1511. The Baltimore Museum of Art: Garrett Collection. (Courtesy The Baltimore Museum of Art)

Apparently, this qualifies as news.

I did not realize this. Somehow I had been under the illusion that someone announcing they would not do something they were already not doing was — not news. Maybe I got confused by all the negatives, like an incompetent one-hour photo employee or someone doing basic subtraction in today’s failing schools.

I know better now.

And it’s made my job much easier. Here are more pieces of what I assume are breaking news.

-Amanda Knox is not running for president. Neither is Jenna Fischer’s newborn, Francisco Franco, William Howard Taft, Hitler, Beowulf, Josiah Bartlet, Curtis Painter, Lady Gaga, True Love, or A Generic Republican, the last two hindered mostly by the fact that they do not exist.

-Donald Trump did not recently engulf all of upstate New York in an avalanche of brimstone and scream “You’re fired!” in a voice of thunder.

-Rudy Giuliani is not not not running for President.

-Eight live bears and Rick Santorum were not recently caught in a very compromising position on the side of an interstate highway.

-All the members of Occupy Wall Street were not just given money, jobs, and hope by Warren Buffett as a chariot of fire descended from heaven and took Buffett up out of mortal sight and he shouted “Hold longer! Hold longer!”

-Jesus Christ is still not back on earth. (Actually, this might be news in certain circles.)

-Michael Bay is not making a Transformers sequel called Transformers Presents: The Importance of Being Earnest, in which the robots put aside their feud for a few days to stage a benefit production of the Oscar Wilde classic.

-The Euro has not mysteriously fixed itself after a night in Amsterdam about which the less is said the better.

-All cable news anchors have not decided to dedicate their whole programs to finding common ground and stating repeatedly how much they respect the intellectual integrity of those who disagree with them.

-The Maya have not returned to earth, inaugurating in a new age of peace, prosperity, and heavy stone trinkets.

-Dick Cheney has not publicly retracted his demand for an apology, saying, “Did I say Obama owed W an apology? I’m sorry, I meant that I owed everyone an apology. Just, y’know, ‘cuz.”

-Barack Obama is not really into ornithology these days, putting all legislative efforts on hold so that he can call members of his cabinet into the Oval Office at random to tell them to “get a good look at these fine owls!”

I look forward to reporting on other not-news in the future. Oh, and Sarah Palin is still not running. Remind me again which kind of news that is.

Alexandra Petri writes the ComPost blog, offering a lighter take on the news and opinions of the day. She is the author of "A Field Guide to Awkward Silences".
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