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Posted at 01:25 PM ET, 09/06/2012

Chuck Norris facts, updated

Here he is. (Frederick M. Brown - GETTY IMAGES)
Chuck Norris is one of the few ’90s icons whose wives can read a Ronald Reagan quote about darkness and make it sound like a viable threat. But in light of Chuck Norris’s recent video quoting Edmund Burke and warning about what Reagan would call “1,000 years of darkness” descending if Barack Obama is reelected, I thought it might be time for us to update the Chuck Norris facts.

After all, if Chuck Norris and his wife promise 1,000 years of darkness but fail to deliver, I think the Chuck Norris mythos will take a severe hit.

Here are a few new facts about Chuck to add to the pile, updated in light of new information:

●Chuck Norris never learns. He already knows! He endorsed Newt Gingrich!

●When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris, asking him to pledge to deny Ulysses S. Grant a third term.

●There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

●Chuck Norris doesn’t quote. Chuck Norris traveled to the past and dictated those words to Edmund Burke so he could use them later.

●Chuck Norris’s tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Understandably, he feels no great urgency when it comes to President Obama’s health-care reforms.

●Chuck Norris could raise the debt ceiling by roundhouse kicking it. He just chooses not to.

●Clint Eastwood’s chair wasn’t empty before Chuck Norris.

I thank the Internet for most of the original forms.

By  |  01:25 PM ET, 09/06/2012

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