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Posted at 06:41 PM ET, 11/06/2012

Five things to know as the polls close for election 2012


This is a stylin’ voter, and I commend him or her. (Daniel Acker - BLOOMBERG)
5) Apparently, the real way to get traffic to your web site is by predicting the outcome of the election, using math. Nate Silver has been doing this for some time, and yesterday he accounted for 20 percent of the New York Times’ web traffic. I started doing it just today, so to compensate for my late arrival I am going to predict it using twice as many decimal points as he does. Nate Silver says President Obama has a 90.9 percent chance of being reelected? Well, I say he has a 90.90000000001 percent chance! Take that, Mr. Silver! Come, web traffic!

4) Voters who matter are colder.

In the District of Columbia, where voting is largely a decorative activity people do because going out and throwing live cats into the Potomac River is frowned upon, even though it has approximately the same effect, there were all of maybe 15 people in line with me, and we were in and out in 15 minutes. Frankly, we could do our civic duty just as well if we picked a random Jeff to support whatever Democrat was on the ballot and all went out for a long lunch instead, but then we would miss out on all the fun of filling in bubbles and standing in lines. And what if something happened to Jeff on the way to the polls? Miss a year, and we might suddenly get made a state!

But walk a few paces across the river to Virginia, where These Things Really Matter, and the line engulfs an entire block and can take up to three hours. As people’s fingers slowly fall off, actual enthused campaign workers are there, passing out fliers and waving signs. It’s like a real election! This being said, if you really want to make a not-quite-legal difference this year, some well-placed hot coffee could sway a lot of votes right now.

3) This Web site exists. Speaking of unusual ways of swaying an election. Based solely on its existence, I am giving the election to Obama, because whenever someone’s supporters start embracing Prayer as an actual strategy (see Bachmann, Iowa), a fat lady is given her cue.

2) I didn’t have a game for people intending to imbibe during the election, but here are some suggestions:

— When the Large Electronic Map doesn’t do what the person using the Large Electronic Map wanted it to do.

— When there’s a hologram.

— When someone “calls” a state, maybe.

— When you are pretty sure there’s a hologram and everyone around you is trying to take your beverage away.

— Whenever you are surprised by the number of decimal places in a random statistic.

— Whenever there’s a pause in the coverage and you can see the anchor wondering what life is going to be like without these people to comment on.

— Whenever the anchors on a theoretically balanced network appear dejected or elated.

1) For everything else, get on Twitter right now!

By  |  06:41 PM ET, 11/06/2012

 
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