For Friday the 13th, some updated superstitions

Happy Friday the Thirteenth!

Superstitions have always struck me as strange and arbitrary. And they're outdated. When a cat crossed your path, it used to indicate bad luck. Now it just shows you’re spending time on Buzzfeed. “If you drop a fork, a man will visit?” By logical extension this means that you can throw a party by tossing all your cutlery on the ground.

Here are some more updates to superstitions, which I found on this handy list.

— Placing a knife under the bed during childbirth decreases the pain of labor indicates that your midwife may not be board-certified.

— Ivy growing on a house protects the inhabitants from witchcraft and evil sometimes results in structural damage to the house!

— Picking up a penny that is face-up on the sidewalk brings good fortune actually costs more effort than it is worth

— To meet a chimney sweep by chance brings good luck indicates that you have just traveled back in time!

— A yawn means danger Rob Portman is near

— Red sky at night, sailor’s delight is a sunset. Red sky at morning, sailor take warning is a sunrise.

— It is unlucky to kill a sparrow because they contain the souls of the dead. For the same reason, don’t delete a Myspace account.

— To dream of a lizard is a sign that you have a secret enemy. To dream of The Lizard is a sign that you are confused why the Spiderman franchise is already being rebooted after less than a decade.

— Evil spirits cannot harm you when you stand inside a circle. Evil spirits also cannot see your article if you share it in a Google+ circle.

— If you drop your smartphone, you will have six days' misfortune, if only because the screen is now broken and you keep getting glass in your thumb whenever you try to use it. If you drop your smartphone and the screen doesn't break, you have already had good luck.

— If Tumblr fails to load, you will have six minutes of productivity. If Twitter is down you will have two hours of thought.

— If you accidentally Like bad news on Facebook, winter is coming.

Alexandra Petri writes the ComPost blog, offering a lighter take on the news and opinions of the day. She is the author of "A Field Guide to Awkward Silences".

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