Herman Cain is gone. Well, not gone. He has suspended his campaign. But we all know what that means. It’s like that time in childhood when the dog disappeared and your parents told you, “Biffles is suspending his campaign, Alexandra.”
But it’s worse now. I will actually have to work to find comedy in the remaining field, or maybe I’ll just throw in the towel and follow Joe Biden around, encouraging him to speak at length. It won’t be the same, though.
No one will do the things Cain was willing to do. He sang. He told us about manly pizza. And those non-denial denials! And if I feel bad, just think how the number 9 feels. Now it’s relegated to bringing you Sesame Street episodes and denying things to German people, this after it had a taste of the big time.
The next question is: Where will Cain’s supporters go? His biggest supporter, the number 9, has no plans to endorse anyone. But what about the rest of them?
To sense where they’re headed, it’s important to understand their reasons for supporting Cain in the first place. Here is a handy pizza-shaped chart.
Supported Cain for his pizza affiliation? Gingrich, the most visibly pizza-affiliated of the candidates, is probably your best bet.
Infidelity voters? Gingrich, again.
In it for the smoking ads? So far, the candidate with the strangest advertisements is probably Perry, whose dramatically edited advertisements score an 8 on the 10-point scale of Making Viewers Worry They Are Actually Experiencing a Seizure.
Liked the gold ties? Huntsman’s your man. However, he has said on the record that he does not intend to kiss Trump’s ring or “any other part of his anatomy” so he does not seem quite as in on the joke of this campaign season as his girls do.
Fond of the number 9? Join Rick Perry. He likes the number 9, if only because it is not the number 3. He and 3 have had a falling-out.
Not Mitt Romney and Not Mitt Romney Yet voters — have you considered Ron Paul? He is definitely not Mitt Romney and has been that way for years.
Voters who supported Cain because their sole hobby is moving candidates slowly towards the center podium at debates? Try Rick Santorum. In Rick Santorum’s memorable words, “I . . . am . . . here . . . also.” No one actually remembers Santorum’s remarks, so I am extrapolating a little.
In it because you wanted to indicate that you were not taking the race seriously without being one of those boring non-responders? Try picking someone at random. Perhaps that was how you came to Cain in the first place. Gary Johnson is still out there.
In it for the gospel songs? The mustache?
Who am I kidding?
There’s no substitute.