These days, going green is something of a national preoccupation. We care about it! We buy solar-powered flashlights without thinking twice, replace our light bulbs with the little pig-tailed ones, and bring pictures to cocktail parties of whales we’re volunteering with.
But St. Patrick’s Day is the day it really matters. For people like me, who accidentally showed up at work on the Day of the Irish wearing luminescent, entirely orange ensembles, this requires some ’splainin. In my defense, I wear this every day, so that traffic will not hit me, and so that I can easily blend into convoys of prisoners being transferred from state to state.
But instead of buying one of those dinky shamrock pins, try these excuses instead! After all, blarney is an Irish tradition!
• I’m colorblind.
• I’m blind. The person who picks my clothes is colorblind.
• My Twitter avatar is still green to indicate my support for Iran, and who really exists offline anyway?
• I went green a while ago. It wears off?
• I may not be green, but I’m jolly and I’m giant! (This is best for later in the evening.)
• I drive a Prius! Sure, pinch me if you like, but consider what I have to go through every day. That’s like adding “pinching” to “driving a Prius.”
• Well, it’s your fault for not inspiring more envy.
• I’m a member of the Green Party. I try not to wear my political affiliations on my sleeve.
• I have a green card. You want to see it? What is this, Arizona 2010?
• I am Gary Ridgway, the Green River Killer. Probably not, but do you want to take a chance on pinching someone who might be Gary Ridgway, the Green River Killer? I thought not.