I refuse to believe that Tropical Storm Isaac is an act of God.
Think of whom it stands to affect: the elderly, people with mobile homes, and Republicans. Based on everything I have seen late at night on Trinity Broadcasting, God has no particular antipathy towards people with RVs. And the elderly, if most surveys of religion are to be believed, are any self-respecting deity’s main constituency. To say nothing of the Grand Old Party.
No, I think Isaac, currently barreling toward Tampa, the site of the 2012 Republican convention, is an act of Democrats.
Consider the facts.
Democrats are the ones always insisting that any change in the weather is the result of human action. No doubt Al Gore, cackling deep in his lair, has ensorceled the winds. This may seem awfully well-coordinated for a Gore project. But what else could it be? The Lord has a long-standing understanding with Pat Robertson to send bad weather only to people of whom he disapproves.
And if the storm is not an act of God, then it will no doubt respond to reasonable incentives. This is a gathering of power players and members of the national media. Surely with their combined influence, they can prevent this from happening, using any one of the large arsenal of methods at their disposal.
For instance, they could:
— Forget sandbags and evacuation. Point out, helpfully, that Not Having Hurricanes is the only sure way to prevent hurricane damage. Then, pray a lot. (Hey, this works for sex, a far more common phenomenon than tropical storms.)
— Invite Isaac to a beer summit somewhere far from land.
— Insist that the science surrounding hurricanes is still in dispute and that Florida “has its ways” of spooking storms. (Apologies to all the people on Twitter who have already made this joke six or seven times.)
— Require a two-thirds vote of Congress in order for Tropical Storm Isaac to occur. (Tropical Storm Isaac may still happen, but everyone will be so angry and upset by the time it does, it will be just as though it didn’t.)
— Threaten severe sanctions if Tropical Storm Isaac turns into Hurricane Isaac.
— Have a Cabinet secretary give an hour-long speech laying out why Tropical Storm Isaac is vitally necessary. (This generally guarantees that Tropical Storm Isaac will not occur for several years, possibly not during the current administration at all.)
— Tell Isaac in the strongest terms that this is not what Ronald Reagan would have wanted.
— Take no action whatsoever, very loudly.
— Rename Tropical Storm Isaac “Tropical Storm Ron Paul.” Then even if it happens, no one will notice.