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Posted at 03:48 PM ET, 11/02/2011

In God We Trust. In Congress, not so much


This is a confusing picture! (Photo by Alex Wong/Getty Images) (Alex Wong - GETTY IMAGES)
Poor Congress. They can’t seem to do anything right. In fact, they can’t seem to do anything at all.

They just passed a resolution affirming “In God We Trust” as the national motto.

This is a great use of the country's time. If someone we knew personally were to stand up and say that “What’s wrong with America today is that people don’t know what the national motto is,” we would regard him as some sort of moron. But this is Congress, where that is a job requirement.

Congress is, after all, a body widely renowned for its competence and popularity with the United States people. Oh, no, I’m sorry, I’m getting Congress confused with Basically Anything But Congress. American approval of Congress is in the single digits, lower than it’s been in the history of polls about congressional approval.

To be fair, this may be because we suffer from the delusion that Congress can fix what ails us. Many people write to Congress saying things like, "Hello, I do not have a job, can you do something about this?"

It is too depressing for Congress to say, "No. No I can't do anything about this. Here, have a promotional postcard that depicts me holding hands with a bald eagle."

Instead, Congress gets together and does what it has always done best: Nothing, But Somehow In A Way That Bothers The American People.

Look, we didn’t elect people to Congress because they said they had any idea how to fix this. We elected them because they said they hated the very idea of Congress and wanted to destroy the system.  

Maybe God has something better planned. God has always been renowned as a job creator. Look at all the business He/She/It gives insurance companies. Once, God called up a guy and told him to build a giant boat, which I hear was very stimulatory to the local economy, until a flood came and washed everyone away, including small family-owned businesses. But God says that won’t happen again, and In God We Trust.

God once destroyed the Egyptian economy by making the place dark and giving everyone’s cattle boils and ending their first-born children. But Congress is cautiously optimistic that this will not happen again. 

It turns out that the nine people who opposed this measure only opposed it because they said that based on Genesis God sounded worrisomely Keynesian. “Garden? Sounds like busy-work.”

And all this talk about “Give unto Caesar the things that are Caesar’s, and unto God the things that are God’s” sounds troublingly like revenue increases. Also, who’s this Caesar guy? And why do we have so much of his stuff?

And there was that one time that everyone got together and built a large tower, and God became upset and punished us by creating, among other things, the French language. I may be paraphrasing slightly.

Look, God means well. We know this because God frequently communicates with Rick Perry. Recently God came to Rick during a New Hampshire speech and Rick addressed the audience in tongues for several minutes, which explains that video footage we’ve all been enjoying. Maybe if Congress goes out on a limb and signals its approval, God will start whispering to its members as well. It might make more sense than a lot of what comes from Capitol Hill.

“Let's do something no one can disagree with,” Congress says. “Whenever we do things that people can disagree with, they yell at us for steering the country in the wrong direction and send us angry mail.”

“But when we do things that no one can disagree with, people yell at us for being a bunch of good-for-nothing layabouts and send us angry mail.”

“Don’t worry,” someone else points out. “Soon the Post Office will go bankrupt and we won’t have to worry about angry mail any more, at least not on Saturdays.”

In God We Trust. Certainly not in Congress.

By  |  03:48 PM ET, 11/02/2011

Tags:  Congress, oy

 
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