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Posted at 03:14 PM ET, 05/09/2012

Keith Judd takes 41 percent of West Virginia Democrat votes — for he’s a jolly good felon

What could possibly be the explanation for Texas felon Keith Judd’s puffy poll results in West Virginia, where he managed to nab 41 percent of the primary vote from President Obama? To put this in perspective, this is a greater percentage of the vote than Senator Dick Lugar got in Indiana, and he was a respected senator of six terms. Had anyone thought to sign on as a Keith Judd delegate, he would now be entitled to 13 at the Democratic National Convention.

Why?

Everyone is hypothesizing that West Virginia feels left out. After the state made it fairly clear in 2008 that it had no interest in voting for Obama, he’s stopped writing, stopped calling, stopped visiting. They only hear from him once a year when he sends Effie Trinket to determine whom they’re sending to the Hunger Games.

But maybe, for once, thousands upon thousands of voters aren’t wrong!

On a series of metrics, Keith Judd actually appeals to the popular imagination more than the president.


Just how unpopular is President Barack Obama in some parts of the country? Enough that Keith R. Judd in prison in Texas got 4 out of 10 votes in West Virginia's Democratic presidential primary. (AP - The Beaumont Enterprise courtesy of Keith R. Judd)
First off, his appearance. Mullets, traditionally, consist of business in the front and party in the back. Generally, it is not much of a party. There are a few people drinking beers and expressing strong negative opinions about the morality of kids these days. In the back of Keith Judd’s head, by contrast, Woodstock is happening. The man looks as though he killed a fox and attached it to the back of his head.

And consider his resume, lovingly preserved on ProjectVoteSmart.org.

He lists degrees in everything from Physics/Nuclear Physics/Acoustics to Business/Music/Dance/Speech Communications. Take that, President of the Harvard Law Review! I have never met anyone with a degree in Business/Music/Dance/Speech Communications.I think you get one by appearing in the cast of “How To Succeed In Business Without Really Trying.”

Keith Judd was also a member of the Federation of Superheroes from 1976-1982. As Dave Weigel quipped, “We all remember what happened in 1982. Don’t make me describe it again.”

His favorite actor or actress is Gene Hackman. His favorite president is Richard Nixon. His favorite Web site is www.google-search.com. Not Google, mind you.

He once appeared in a movie in the starring role of “Charlie.” The movie, “Heaven’s A and O” is on DVD at, if I’m reading this right, Allenwood Low Security Federal Prison. So there’s that.

His hobbies and special talents include “I Bowled a Sanctioned 300 Perfect Game, and Tournaments. ESP, Telling the Future.”

The person living or dead he most wants to meet? “Mozart. He was cool.”

How dare they assume that you would vote for this man only because you were upset with Barack Obama. A more likely reason is that Mr. Judd was using ESP to control your mind.

The more I hear about him, the more convinced I am that Mr. Judd is an ideal candidate. None of the usual criticisms apply. Too rigid? Look at that hair! Too inexperienced? He’s been running for president since 1996! Professional qualifications? He has a degree in Music/Business/Acoustics/Nuclear Physics, a mullet, and a dream! He’s even a bass player! The more I hear, the more ideal he sounds! He can relate to real Americans, using music! He can bowl with us!

And he never changes position, if only because he is incarcerated at Texarkana serving a 17 1/2 year sentence and is not due to be released until June 2013.

But hey, nobody’s perfect.

By  |  03:14 PM ET, 05/09/2012

Tags:  Obama, Election

 
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