There’s a reason this man is showing up in all the great artworks of history, pepper-spray can in hand, expression of utter, unmoved nonchalance firmly in place under the bulky helmet as he sprays protesters in the face.
He’s really a good Samaritan.
Some see in him a cop just doing his job. But I think that understates the positives. As Megyn Kelly sagely observed to Bill O’Reilly on Fox News last night, pepper spray is “a food product, essentially,” and it was thoughtful of him to share it with so many protesters. It’s like the miracle of the loaves and fishes again — so many nourished, from such a tiny can.
Given that pizza is a vegetable, I am sure that was at least a full day’s serving of something, which probably explains why the protesters winced and squinted and tried to get him to stop. “You are too kind,” they seemed to say, “but that’s already a full day of calories! Don’t turn me into the 1 percent who gets more than my fair share of the pepper products!”
Those officers with nightsticks and billy clubs turn out to have been just fitness enthusiasts trying to get the occupants to get up and do a little cardio. “You hear the first lady,” they said. “Let’s move!” Clearly all those days of soft living in outdoor tents had been getting the best of the protesters, because they responded by developing bruises and screaming and some of them had to go to the hospital, which I have never have to do after a workout, so they must have been pretty out of shape.
Really, this is exactly the sort of sharing-and-caring relationship between government and citizens that the Occupy Movement has said it wants.
Thank heavens for Megyn Kelly, or I would have been confused. I only wish she’d been around decades ago. We would have avoided so much confusion. When I watched old protest videos, the policemen turning firehoses on protesters horrified me, but it turns out they just wanted to make certain that everyone was hydrated. Those British troops opening fire on Bostonians back in the day just wanted to be sure they didn’t injure themselves by throwing rocks around. The Roman centurions were trying to help Jesus express himself through body modification. Those Kent State guardsmen were hoping to discourage the kids from doing any more drugs. That tank following the Tiananmen Square protester around was just trying to offer him a helpful sunshade. The troops along the Trail of Tears were just encouraging the Cherokee to take a good long walk and get in touch with their feelings. Big Brother merely wants to keep us from posting any videos to YouTube that we might regret.
I’m just glad Fox News is here to tell us these things.