Forget those $16 muffins!
Put away those trillions of dollars of necessary spending cuts!
Target is like Heaven but with a better advertising department and interior design that relies less on wings and clouds. True, some afternoons, Target is like Purgatory, but even then the wait is a bit shorter. Target says you can be cheap, yet classy, like a lower-back tattoo of the Louvre.
This is what America needs right now.
Target will sell all things to all people. Everything you want is there, from tiny plastic ponies to electronics to tiny electric pony chairs. You want to entertain? Go to Target. You want to build a barricade to prevent people from ever visiting your home again? Go to Target. You want garish towels with Disney Channel stars on them? Go to Target. You want tasteful towels that a Real Fashion Designer once nodded at approvingly from a distance? Go to Target.
The biggest waste of money you could engage in at Target would be if you bought the only slightly durable housewares instead of the extra-durable ones. And even then the country would forgive you.
Any style. Any budget. Target understands.
Seeing these pictures fills me with a sort of generalized benevolence that I haven’t felt in months. “You go, Michelle!” I shout. “You save the people’s money! You buy timeless, inexpensive designs!” Then the other people in the office come by and restrain me.
Serious and bad things occur in the world. The four horsemen of the apocalypse are back, ravaging swaths of the midwest and declaring their intent to run for the Republican nomination. But here’s Target, where they have Real Values like they used to have. Where you don’t have to pay $16 for a muffin, unless you’re visiting the Starbucks contained inside the Target. Where you don’t have to shell out big bucks to look like a million bucks, green and wrinkly and wrapped around Warren Buffett’s finger.
And, sure, it may be cheap, but it’s not Wal-Mart. Wal-Mart sometimes sells melons, and you know what’s going on with melons these days.