Mitt Romney, like Meatloaf, would do many things for love. But he won’t do that.
“That,” in this case, being “set my hair on fire.”
“It’s very easy to excite the base with incendiary comments,” Romney told reporters. “We’ve seen throughout the campaign that if you’re willing to say really outrageous things that are accusatory and attacking President Obama that you’re going to jump up in the polls. You know, I’m not willing to light my hair on fire to try and get support. I am who I am.”
A few minutes later, when a reporter brought up Romney’s comment about lighting his hair on fire, the well-coiffed candidate interjected: “I’m not going to do it. I don’t care how hard you ask. It would be a big fire, I assure you.”
This is the only right position.
Throughout the campaign, Mitt Romney has been consistent on one point: the quality and consistency of his hair care.
He was ruffled in debates, but his hair, never. He could be flat and lifeless. Never so his follicles. Mitt Romney’s hair, as Mitt would be the first to tell you, is his better half. There’s a reason his wife nicknamed his plane “Hair Force One.” Mitt knows where he stands in the scheme of things — beneath a head of luxuriant locks.
Their wave was more natural than his was. Listen to Mitt roar? Hang on, I’m distracted by the mane. Romney’s hair flips but it never flops. When people say that Mitt Romney “seems presidential,” this is what they mean. Any man whose hair looks like that is doing something very right. There’s a picture of Mitt Romney in the dictionary next to the word “majestic” with an arrow pointing specifically at his coiffure.
Mitt was wise to ignore the advice of his barber to try to mix things up a bit. One doesn’t mess with perfection, even if that perfection is dependent on Brylcreme, a product that has to be imported specially from the 1950s.
Since Jon “Emerging From a Rolls Royce In The 1920s For A Catalogue Shoot” Huntsman’s departure from the race, Mitt Romney is indisputably the best-coiffed individual running for president. Sure, Newt Gingrich has his moments. Compared to Mitt’s ‘do, Santorum’s looks discouraged and monotone. It lies there, lumpy and lifeless. But even an endorsement from Donald Trump’s Horrible Ham Loaf couldn’t cut into Mitt’s stride. I am reassured by Romney’s remarks to know that his distinctive mane will be with us for months to come.
Mark my words, if he wins Michigan, it’ll be by the hair.