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Posted at 12:34 PM ET, 11/05/2012

Please keep up those political posts, Everyone on Facebook

Dear Everyone,

Please keep doing this.

It is getting awfully close to election day, and I bet you know what that means: Absolutely all of your friends want to hear from you about how to vote. Not just one friend. All your friends. Repeatedly, and at length.

Please, please keep doing this.

I would hate for you to leap out of bed on November 7 with the wrong guy elected and have to realize suddenly that you had forgotten to send around a viral video of Samuel L. Jackson that might have changed our minds.

Do not take that chance. Keep posting, by all means.

So what if you have lost eighty friends? So what if the only person still liking your status updates is your aunt who thinks the government has posted microscopic spies in our drinking water?

Please, by all means, keep deluging us.

This is fun, because this year I might have to miss Thanksgiving dinner, and my favorite part of the meal is always when Uncle Biff demonstrates his total ignorance of foreign policy, very loudly, by moving the gravy boat around and drawing lines in his mashed potatoes and insisting that “this is basically Iran.” It really enhances the debate, is all I’m saying.

Please, keep sending me videos of “What The Election Is All About.” I am weighing them very carefully as I make my choice

You are my friend, and I love you, and you are great at kickball, or drinking, or whatever that thing is that brought us together. And because of that, I definitely want hear from you about “Obama’s Secret Death Camps” or “Six Rogue Apocalypse Beasts That Mitt Romney Alone Can Defeat.” That is what friendship means. Just try to keep our incentives clear. “Mitt Romney Will Eat Your Family” is clear enough. “If You Vote For The Other Guy, You Can Go Ahead And Unfriend Me” — well, by the time the season’s over, that could go either way. During the run up to the election, my first thought was not, “Well, I’ll evaluate these issues on my own,” but rather, “Gee, I hope Carl has posted something heartfelt in ALL CAPS about what this election will do to me, as a woman, so I know what to think about it.” And you did not disappoint.

This is an American tradition. Sure, in colonial days, the worst thing that would happen would be that your neighbor might walk past and pointedly wave his tea at you. Then came the era of the bumper sticker. But now we don’t even have to talk to people to bother them with our politics. That is the wonder of modern technology. We can bother people we haven’t talked to in years!

What I mean is: please keep doing this.

As Will Rogers said, “Ain’t it funny, we can see our friends or neighbors go out, make bad investments, do fool things, but we never say a word. We let him risk his life and his money without any advice. But his vote? Why, we got to tell him about that, for he’s kinder ignorant and narrow-minded, and don’t see things our way.”

From other people, you realize, these are a burden. But from you, why, they are uniquely delightful. This is also why it is okay for you to jaywalk and talk during movies. You are simply better at it than those other people who always do it and bother you so much. They are taking their lives recklessly into their own hands. You have somewhere important to be. They are ruining the film. You are enhancing it. Those other people who want to share their political beliefs with you are cluttering your newsfeed and bothering everyone with their shallow but noisy grasp on the issues. But you — well, say no more.

Please, continue. Don’t stint. Let us have it.

Yes, you. You were thinking of posting an elaborate screed that ran something like “HEY FRIENDS I KNOW YOU MIGHT BE THINKING OF SITTING THIS ONE OUT BUT REMEMBER MITT ROMNEY’S ONLY PLATFORM POINT IS A GIANT TIME MACHINE TRANSPORTING US ALL BACK TO 1950 AND HEY YOU DON’T WANT THAT, RIGHT? HEY I THOUGHT NOT OKAY GOOD VOTE.” But you thought your enthusiastic use of caps lock might be strident, or people might be already awash in this sort of thing and this would be at best useless and at worst actively annoying.

Nonsense. Do it. Please, send me more.

By  |  12:34 PM ET, 11/05/2012

 
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