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Posted at 03:41 PM ET, 10/31/2011

Rick Perry, drunk? No! Get me some of Rick Perry’s passion!

I find that passion, taken in sufficient quantities, can produce all the effects of drunkenness.

This video of Rick Perry addressing an event in New Hampshire has been making the rounds online. Perry slurs, wiggles, and generally delivers the 25-minute-long Best Man Speech from Hell.

“This is such a cool state,” Perry said. “I mean, c’mon. ‘Live free or die.’ You gotta love that right? I come from a state, you know, where they have this little place called the Alamo and they declared, ‘Victory or death.’ We’re kind of into those slogans – ‘Live free or die.’ ‘Victory or death.’ ‘Bring it.’”

Perry spokesman Mark Miner called the governor “passionate in his remarks.”

Does Rick Perry have a passion dealer? I would like access to whatever results in a speech like this. It looks essentially like alcohol, or the combination of alcohol with horse tranquillizers, but apparently it’s all natural.

They say to be careful not to drink to excess because you will embarrass yourself in public by saying stupid things, pulling asinine faces, and making your shoulders dance. It turns out that you should avoid "passion" for the same reason.

The last time Rick Perry was what Mark Miner called “passionate,” he called Ben Bernanke treasonous. This time, he wiggled and waggled and generally acted like a George W. Bush impersonator from mid-2000’s SNL.

In some ways, passion is stronger than alcohol. Alcohol gives you a headache later. Passion gives you (and your audience) a headache now.

The worst thing that happens when I drink alcohol is that I decide to get on up on the dance floor and do a dance move entitled the "Inoculate the Pig Population Against Swine Flu," then someone has to come and remove me, and I wake up several days later in New Jersey minus a kidney. The worst thing that happens when Rick Perry gets passionate is that he delivers a 25-minute speech, gets handed maple syrup, looks at it as though it had just been passed down through the clouds by the hand of the Almighty, and the video instantly goes viral.

(highlight reel video from YouTube user CharlieJohnson1986)

But it’s tough on the campaign trail. Look sober and collected, and everyone accuses you of being Mitt Romney. Look wild and unhinged —I’m sorry, passionate — and everyone assumes you’re on some combination of alcohol and Quaaludes.

I intend to use this excuse. “I am fine to drive, officer,” I will say, as I wobble back and forth over the line. “I am just extremely passionate this evening.”

Passion and sobriety are both dangerous. Rick Perry gets passionate and makes this video. Steve Tyler is sober and look what it did to his face.

By  |  03:41 PM ET, 10/31/2011

Tags:  Rick Perry, GOP 2012

 
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