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Posted at 03:25 PM ET, 05/27/2011

‘Sarah Palin: Undefeated’ — the unauthorized Palin 2012 movie script

It might be going too far to call “Sarah Palin: Undefeated,” the impending “hagiographic film” that may herald a 2012 Palin run, a self-parody. But consider the facts.

Made by conservative filmmaker Stephen Bannon, the film includes no interviews with Sarah Palin. What does it include? According to someone who has seen the film, “images of lions killing a zebra and a dead medieval soldier with an arrow sticking in his back.” Not only that, but the caption reportedly includes the phrase, “From here, I can see November.”

Sarah Palin reportedly loves it, naturally. Nothing says “a movie Sarah Palin would love” more than “a movie about Sarah Palin . . . made for free by a conservative filmmaker . . . that includes footage of a lion killing a zebra.”

This makes so little sense as a campaign strategy that I am convinced Sarah must be running.

Then again, Stephen Bannon made the film at his own expense without interviewing Palin, piecing it together from blood, sweat and litotes — “People may say a lot of things about Governor Palin and Sarah Palin, but I guarantee when they come out, they will not say she’s not smart, she’s not tough and she’s not dedicated,” Bannon said.

But, in an oddly detailed dream, he gave me the script to proofread.

It might just have been something I ate, but in case it’s not, here it is, in its entirety:

Sarah Palin: Undefeated

EXT. ALASKA – DAY

Note: There is a lot of EXT. to Alaska. Pick something with bears.

SARAH PALIN stands on a promontory. She looks steely.

MORGAN FREEMAN (voice-over)

My name is Sarah Palin. Not actually, but look, this is a documentary, so I was contractually obliged to show up and narrate. You would not believe the things I have wound up having to narrate. Let’s just say I’ve learned a lot about banana slugs.

Sarah Palin now looks steely but bored.

MORGAN FREEMAN (voice-over)

Ahem. My name is Sarah Palin. I was born and raised in a small town called Wasilla, Alaska. I’ve spent my whole life trying to escape it, and the rest of the world has spent its whole life trying to return me there, like a package with insufficient postage (chuckles). I wanted a reality TV show. They said, “Fine. Go back to Alaska.” I wanted to govern a whole state. They said, “Fine. Go back to Alaska.” I wanted to be Miss Alaska. They said, “Sorry, that’s just not happening.”

EXT. SOMEWHERE ELSE IN ALASKA – DAY

Sarah stands with Todd. We can only see her feet, because the camera is hidden in some bushes.

SARAH

I’m not going to be engaging in too much of that fictitiousness that I’ve been hearing about, in regards to that stuff in the chitchat, that I’m running with regard to hoping for the attention and the fiscal value and not feeling that good belly-fire. But in the unmortal words of Ronald Reagan, “Give me liberty or give me death, and Sarah Palin should be the President in the future, not of the future, or, as some amongst us say in regards to the future, ‘winning,’ but with and amongst, amongst the all-Americans.” Joe here knows what I’m talking about, don’t ya ,Joe?

TODD

I support you, Sarah, but I’m not sure what you just said actually makes any sense.

Bristol salsas past the camera.

BRISTOL

I’m here too! I’m shy and withdrawn, just like my new chin.

Levi Johnston emerges from the bushes dressed as a sexy wounded deer.

LEVI

Over here, American people! Attention must be paid!

Camera zooms in slowly on Sarah, in spite of Levi’s best efforts to wave it away. Sarah spots it.

SARAH

Who are you? Are you the lamestream media? Get that thing out of here!

A scuffle ensues.

BANNON (off-screen)

I guess we’d better cut to the zebra carcass.

EXT. NOT ALASKA — DAY

A dead zebra lies there in the sun. Patriotic, stirring music plays. Ninety minutes pass.

MORGAN FREEMAN (voice-over)

Ah, Alaska. Ah, America. This is your captain speaking, Sarah Palin, which . . . is me. America that is so wonderful and really just there-ish with regards to our founding fathers and being with the greatiness in spite of some’s unrefudiated libeling of the blood and the excellence that don’t come from a jar. From here, I can see November. From my house.

A medieval soldier walks in front of the camera and dies.

Follow this link to see an actual clip!

By  |  03:25 PM ET, 05/27/2011

Tags:  Sarah Palin, GOP 2012, Sarah Palin movie

 
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