Q: Why was this week so crazy?
A: Surely it began with the Tim Pawlenty campaign. The raw excitement he injected into the atmosphere was like a volcano!
A: Specifically, the Boring Lava Field, an actual volcano in Oregon that has been extinct for hundreds of years. But on the bright side his candidacy was the best news in years for old people with heart conditions.
Q: Does he have good ideas for reforming health care?
A: No. It is just that it is dangerous for old people with heart conditions to be excited, and he offers all the raw excitement of paint that dries while remaining extremely faithful to its marriage vows.
Q: So what was it then?
A: Perhaps it was Sarah Palin’s impending movie-based candidacy.
Q: You are kidding me.
A: Not at all! I’m excited. This will be just the sort of zany antic the GOP 2012 “Boring Lava” Field has been missing. After Trump left, a delegation of Wise Old Men Who Secretly Run Things was seriously considering climbing up the mountain to Lady Gaga to ask her to run “as a commentary.”
Q: That wouldn’t make any sense, though.
A: I don’t know. She’s running out of radical things to do. She’s dressed up in meat and posed as a half-motorcycle-centaur-thing on her album cover. If she wants to keep shocking audiences, the only thing left is to run for office as a conservative family-values candidate.
Q: That would alienate her base!
A: As long as it didn’t alienate her treble.
Q: That was awful.
A: I’m sorry.
Q: Does Sarah actually believe that she could win?
A: Q, you know better than to ask me to look inside the mind of Sarah Palin. The last time I did that, I snapped and was found several weeks later wandering around the hillsides babbling senselessly, insisting that I had been endorsed by “Everyone Who Isn’t Lame And Knows What’s What.”
Q: I had forgotten that.
A: (shudders) I can never forget that.
Q: But how would the campaign work?
A: Well, there’s several hours of hagiographic documentary, and then something will happen, and we’ll feel compelled to go vote for her.
Q: I’m a little confused about that second part.
A: So’s everyone. But maybe it is narrated by Morgan Freeman, whose voice can compel us to do anything. Like the voice of Oprah.
Q: I thought she went off the air--
A: Oprah did not leave! Oprah will always be with us! All hail Oprah, Bringer Of Wholesome Programming!
Q: I’m sorry I brought it up.
A: You’d better be. Oprah is an original. Unlike Urban Outfitters, which turns out to have been stealing designs for its necklaces from real artists. This makes sense, since its entire modus operandi consists of being as original as you can be while being totally derivative.
A: Also, Ed Schultz learned the hard way that you should never, ever refer to anyone as a “right-wing slut.” There is no context in which this is acceptable, not even when someone asks, “How do you pronounce the phrase “r-i-g-h-t-w-i-n-g s-l-u-t? I assume it’s a type of bird. ” This is always a trap.
A: Speaking of traps, don’t forget the debut of Google Wallet, an attempt to let you pay for things with your phone. It’s just the next installment in Google’s new tradition of doing something everyone else does, but not nearly as well, in spite of launching it with a lot of fanfare.
Q: Like Pawlenty?
A: I wasn’t going to say anything.